Abuse

1. Abuse vs BDSM
2. Battering Personality
3. Chart of Coercion
4. Common Traits of a Stalker
5. Cyber Stalking
6. Domestic Violence In the Community
7. Emotional Abuse
8. False Stalking - False Victims
9. Financial Control
10. Forms of Stalking
11. Interstate Stalking
12. Invisiable Scars
13. Isolation
14. Lies, Lies, and More Lies
15. Pathological Liers
16. S & M Abuse Policy
17. S & M vs Abuse
18. Sex Education
19. Types of Stalkers
20. Verbal Abuse

1. Abuse vs BDSM

The key difference between S&M and Abuse is "consent".
* Consent = Is an agreed approval of what is done and/or proposed by another.
* Abuse = to use so as to injure or damage: MALTREAT


S&M

* Is based on the safe, sane, consensual theory
* S&M is a controlled environment
* S&M has safe words to stop the scene
* In a S&M scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive
* S&M can be an erotic sexual encounter
* In S&M both partners are enjoying themselves
* in S&M the dominant respects limits
* In S&M there is mutual respect
* In S&M the relationship is fulfilling
* In S&M both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships
* In S&M one can ask their partner to "play"
* In S&M relationship there is trust
* In S&M a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant
* S&M is about building trust
* S&M builds self esteem
* S&M builds the spirit of a submissive


Abuse

* Abuse is not negotiated
* Abuse is an out of control environment
* Abuse does not have safe words
* An abuser does not give a damn about the victim
* Abuse is always one sided
* Abuse is never negotiated
* In abuse, no one is enjoying the results
* The abuser is into non consensual violence
* The victim has no respect towards the abuser
* In abuse the victim is harmed
* In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled
* The abuser always feel they are superior
* A person does not ask for abuse
* In an abusive relationship there is no trust
* The abuser does not care for consent
* Abuse has no trust
* Abuse destroys self esteem
* An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim


Dominants!!! Before you get in trouble know:

* A sub may be in subspace and not have the presence to stop the scene. Watch for your submissives well being

* "Recalling," also known as "Flashbacks." Example of this can be, a sub who was raped years ago, and during a humiliation scene, has a recall of that traumatic moment. Know thy sub. Don't let her flip out.

* Always clean your toys. Do not use the same toys without using condoms each time. Wash the toys after each use. Do Not use same sex toys during multiple partner scenes, without changing condoms.

* Always use common sense. You are playing with a human being, who has given you the gift of trust. Don't abuse that trust.

* Reputation takes a lifetime to earn, yet a measly second to lose. For a moment of gratification, don't ruin someone's life.


Don't be abused...Recognize the Signs


Physical abuse is all of the following:

* Hit, choke, slap, threaten or hurt you outside the scene content.
* The abuser will force sexual acts upon you, even if you are not in the mood
* Will rarely respect your physical limits


Mental & Emotional abuse consist of:

* Isolating you from your friends, family or others
* Putting you constantly into a confused state
* Constantly being criticized
* Making you financially depended upon them
* They are constantly draining you of your finances
* You constantly have to watch what you say around them
* Making you feel worthless
* Blames you for all misfortunes
* Extreme jealousy on their part
* You being constantly afraid to speak to your partner
* Never listening to your concerns
* Constantly asking you for financial support
* Your living constantly in the state of "Walking on Egg shells"


In case of Abuse:

* Contact National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224
* Leave the relationship
* Contact your family or friends
* Contact your religious leaders
* Call your local police department
* Get Local Counseling


Sites for Victims of Abuse:

* Violence Against Women Office - New Hotline Info
* Yahoo! Society and Culture:Crime:Crimes:Domestic
* National Center for Victims of Crime
* Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
* Kink Aware Professionals

Author Unknown


Back to Top

2. Battering Personality

If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become abusive, there are behaviors you can look for, including the following:


1. Jealousy:

An Abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love, Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.


2. Controlling Behavior:

At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are ' late ' coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. As this behavior gets worse, the abuse may no let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.


3. Quick Involvement:

Many domestic violence victims only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming "you are the only person I could ever talk to " and " I've never felt loved like this by anyone ". Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel guilty if you want to slow down involvement or break up. If you are newly out, be careful; abusers often target those they know are new to the GLBT community because it is a time when you are vulnerable and may not know very many people in the community.


4. Unrealistic Expectation:

Abusive people will expect their partner to meet their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like, “if you love me, I'm all you need and you are all I need". You are supposed to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically.


5. Isolation:

The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are 'whore', a 'slut' or 'cheating'. If you are close to family, you are 'tied to the apron strings'. The abuser will accuse people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.


6. Blames Others For Problems:

If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they cannot concentrate on their work. They will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.


7. Blames Others for Feelings:

Abusive people will tell you 'you made me mad' and 'I cannot help being angry'. Although they actually make the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the 'victim' in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.


8. Hypersensitivity:

Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.


9. Cruelty to animals or children:

This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be critical of other people's children and any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60 % of people who beat their partner also beat their children!


10. 'Playful' Use of Force in Sex:

This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you want to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to 'make up' by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.


11. Verbal Abuse:

In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser degrades or curses you, belittling any of your accomplishments. They may, say, accuse you of not being a 'real' lesbian or gay man. If you aren't out, they may threaten to out you to family members or your employer. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may wake you up to verbally abuse you, or not let you go to sleep.


12. Rigid Sex Roles:

Abusers expect the partner to play the 'female' role; to serve them, and insist that you obey in all things. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of everything they have done for you.


13. Dr. Jerkily and Mr. Hyde:

Many victims are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many victims feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.


14. Past Battering:

These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner made them do it. You may hear from relatives or ex partners that the person has been abusive. A batterer will beat any person they are with if they are with that person long enough for violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.


15. Threats of Violence:

This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap your mouth off!”, "I'll kill you!”, "I'll break your neck!”. Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will say "everyone talks like that", or "it didn't mean anything".


16. Breaking or Striking Objects:

This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist or throw objects around. This is not only a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but indicates great danger when someone thinks they have the 'right; to punish or frighten their partner.


17. Any Force during an Argument:

A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying," you are going to listen to me!

Author Unknown


Back to Top

3. Chart of Coercion


The following chart identifies methods or tactics of power and control used by abuser's as well as the anticipated result. It was reprinted by Diana Russell in her book Rape in Marriage.

The chart is originally from an Amnesty International publication entitled Report of Torture depicting the brainwashing of prisoners of war. Abusers who brainwash their intimate partners use methods similar to those of prison guards who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain that cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. These methods form the core of emotional abuse.


Biderman's Chart of Coercion
General Method Used Effects and Purposes


Isolation

Deprives victim of all social support (necessary for the) ability to resist Developes an intense concern with self. Makes victim dependent upon interrogator.


Monopolization of Perception

Fixes attention upon immediate predicament; fosters introspection. Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor. Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.


Induced Debility & Exhaustion

Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.


Threats

Cultivates anxiety and despair.


Occasional Indulgences

Provides positive motivation for compliance.


Demonstrating "Omnipotence"

Suggests futility of resistance


Enforcing Trivial Demands

Develops habit of compliance.


Degradation

Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to self esteem than capitulation Reduces prisoner to "animal level" concerns.


Back to Top

4. Common Traits of Stalkers


Be Alert To Common Traits of Stalkers Don’t Be The Next Target


If you read nothing else on this site, please take the time to read this section. It is extremely important to be aware of the following traits of stalkers. These will alert you to the possibility that a potential suitor or even a friend or acquaintance could become a stalker.


1. Stalkers will not take no for an answer.

They refuse to believe that a victim is not interested in them or will not rekindle their relationship and often believe that the victim really does love them, but just doesn't know it and needs to be pushed into realizing it. As long as they continue pursuing their victim, the stalker can convince themselves they haven't been completely rejected yet.


2. Stalkers display an obsessive personality.

They are not just interested in, but totally obsessed with the person they are pursuing. Their every waking thought centers on the victim, and every plan the stalker has for the future involves the victim. Ask yourself this. Is the person totally involved in and completely overwhelmed with pursuing someone who has no and never will have any interest in him or her?

Along with obsessive thinking, they also display other psychological or personality problems and disorders. They may suffer from erotomania, paranoia, schizophrenia, and delusional thinking. According to Professor R. Meloy, "these stalkers have rigid personalities and maladaptive styles. These disorders in themselves are very stable and not treatable." There are drugs to treat certain specific mental disorders, but stalkers, when given the choice, seldom continue with their medication or treatment.


3. Stalkers are above average in intelligence and are usually smarter than the run of the mill person with mental problems.

They will go to great lengths to obtain information about their victims or to find victims who have secretly moved. They have been known to hack into computers, tap telephone lines, take jobs at public utilities that allow them access to the victims or information about the victims, and even to travel thousands of miles and spend thousands of dollars to gain information about or find their victims. Stalkers many times use their intelligence to throw others off their trail.


4. Most stalkers don't have any relationship outside the one they are trying to re-establish or the one they have imagined exists between them and their victim.

Because they are usually loners, stalkers become desperate to obtain this relationship.


5. Stalkers don't display the discomfort or anxiety that people should naturally feel in certain situations.

Normal individuals would be extremely embarrassed to be caught following other people, going through their trash looking for information about them, leaving obscene notes, and other inappropriate behavior displayed by stalkers. Stalkers, however, don't see this as inappropriate behavior, but only as a means to gain the person's love.


6. Stalkers often suffer from low self-esteem, and feel they must have a relationship with the victim in order to have any self worth.

Preoccupations with other people almost always involve someone with weak social skills and low self-esteem.


7. Few stalkers can see how their actions are hurting others.

They display other sociopathic thinking in that they cannot learn from experience, and they don't believe society's rules apply to them. Most stalkers don't think they're really threatening, intimidating, or even stalking someone else. They think they're simply trying to show the victims that they're the right one for them. To the victims of stalking it is like a prolonged rape.

Stalkers, like rapists, want absolute control over their victims. They don't regard what they're doing as a crime, or even wrong. To them it is true love, with the exception that the victim doesn't recognize it yet. With enough persistence, stalkers believe they will eventually convince the victims of their love.


8. Stalkers many times have a mean streak and will become violent when frustrated.

How violent? Often deadly.


The above traits remind us that much of stalking involves harassment and annoyance, but never forget that stalkers can also be extraordinarily dangerous. Believing that their victims love and care for them, stalkers can become violent when frustrated in their quest for this love.

Although the majority of cases do not end in murder or grave bodily injury, enough do every year that victims should never brush aside the possibility. Victims of stalking should never take the crime lightly, no matter who the stalkers are or how close they have been emotionally.

Look carefully again at the traits below and be wary if someone seems to fit these.


1. Won't take no for an answer
2. Has an obsessive personality
3. Above average intelligence
4. No or few personal relationships
5. Lack of embarrassment or discomfort at actions
6. Low self esteem
7. Sociopathic thinking
8. Has a mean streak


Back to Top

5. Cyber-Stalking
Obsessional Pursuit and the Digital Criminalby Wayne Petherick


Introduction

Though the legal recognition of stalking is a recent evolution, the behaviour that is involved is by no means a product of the 20th century. It is known though that criminal behaviour is incredibly adaptive to new technologies, with credit card, mobile phone and computer fraud as examples. It is also acknowledged that stalking has now taken an on-line form, colloquially referred to as cyber-stalking.

As the personal computer and the Internet bring the world into our homes, they provide access to a vast amount of information, and provide forums for individuals from all over the world to meet one another in a relatively anonymous environment. One example of these forums is the chat room where people from hundreds of countries may gather and meet, trade information and files, and chat about a range of topics from music to sex. Though this has bred a large number of international relationships, most of which prove harmless, it does present the possibility that ones on-line personality may become the target of unwanted attention.

Cyberstalking, which is simply an extension of the physical form of stalking, is where the electronic mediums such as the Internet are used to pursue, harass or contact another in an unsolicited fashion. Most often, given the vast distances that the Internet spans, this behaviour will never manifest itself in the physical sense but this does not mean that the pursuit is any less distressing. There are a wide variety of means by which individuals may seek out and harass individuals even though they may not share the same geographic borders, and this may present a range of physical, emotional, and psychological consequences to the victim.

It is the purpose of this paper to examine the wider phenomenon of stalking and to cover issues relating to legal and behavioural classifications, and to examine the incidence and prevalence of stalking. Some of the measures that may be employed by individuals in protecting their on-line identity will also be addressed.



Legal Classifications

Though the behaviour widely identified as stalking has existed for centuries, the legal system has only codified its presence in the statutes in recent decades. As a result, cyberstalking could truly be identified as a crime of the nineties owing to its reliance on computer and communications technology which have only reached maturity in the past decade.

It is difficult to find literature relating specifically to cyberstalking, and according to Eoghan Casey (1999), a computer crimes expert, incidences involving a purely electronic medium are rare. The on-line behaviour we are now witnessing is most accurately described as an extension of ‘traditional’ stalking that utilises a high-tech modus operandi (method of operation). Owing to this, one should consult the general literature relating to stalking for information on this adaptation of the criminal act.

In legal terms, the manifestation of this misconduct is most likely to be charged as per the statutes in place in the respective jurisdictions. In the United States, California was the first state to adopt stalking laws, most often identified as a result of the murder of actress Rebecca Schaeffer by Robert Bardo in 1989. Legislation was subsequently passed in 1990, and the nation's first anti-stalking law was passed (Zona, Palarea & Lane, 1998; Coleman, 1997; National Victim Centre, 1998b). New York enacted Penal Code 240.25 in 1992, which was amended in 1994 (National Victim Centre, 1998a).

Australian states to enact stalking legislation around the same time include Queensland with Section 359A of the Criminal Code prohibiting Unlawful Stalking in 1993. Victoria however, was the first Australian state to judiciously guard against this conduct in 1958, with Section 21A of the Crimes Act in 1958 (Victims of Crime, 1998).

Irrespective of the jurisdiction, there are several key criteria for conduct to be considered stalking. Many states include a provision whereby the behaviour must occur on two or more occasions before the criteria are satisfied. In other states, a single occurrence is sufficient (Queensland is one such state where the frequency of conduct has since been amended). Several US states (Delaware, Wisconsin, and Oklahoma ) allow for the consideration of harsher penalties where repeat offences relate specifically to prior incidences of stalking (Cullen-Anderson, 1993).

Given the ability of individuals to ‘mask’ their identity when using the Internet, linking the harassment to one particular individual may prove difficult, providing law enforcement with a challenge if prosecution should become an option. Programs that mask ones IP (Internet Protocol) address and anonymous remailers are merely two examples that hinder the identification of the digital location from which communications originate. This is important when considering that many statutes require that the threat be real. Lisa Rosier, of the Queensland Police Service who was trained by the Los Angeles Police Department states: “If a person is making these threats from the US, then there is little chance that the threat can be carried out” (The Australian, 1998). Rosier also points out that the psychological torment may still be very real, even in the absence of a distinct physical threat. One of the things that investigators may have in their favour is that such ‘pure’ cyberstalking, that which occurs entirely on the Internet, is rare (Casey, 1999) and as such will cross the virtual and extend into the physical.

There is a definite gap between the legal statutes and the electronic world. Of the US states that have anti-stalking laws, only seven contain language that deal with stalking by computer (Jenson, 1996; Meloy, 1998). Examples of the differences in behaviour between the physical and virtual realm include hand delivering a letter (be it threat or otherwise) and e-mailing it to the victim. Other on-line examples may be e-mail bombs, threatening, degrading or demeaning communications, and assuming your on-line persona in places you frequent, such as chat rooms, for the purpose of posting personal details about you or your life. One such case in which the latter was a problem will be covered in the coming sections.

While it is important to consider legal issues relating to stalking, they often fail to take into account the behavioural diversity evidenced in the act. For the investigator or concerned net-user, information relating to the behaviour often exhibited by a stalker will be important, as this may provide insight into possible motivations behind the offender. The next section will provide such explanations of stalking, from a motivational point of view, in the form of stalking typologies. A typology is broadly defined as the clustering together of individuals based upon shared characteristics. A summary shall also cover topical issues relating to the etiology, or causes of stalking.


Safety Tips

As a stalking victim, one of the most important things for you to remember is you neither wanted this, asked for it, nor do you deserve this.

Listed below are basic steps that you can follow, to help ensure your safety, but it does entail changing your normal day to day routines and your way of life, as you once knew it. You have no choice at this point. The stalker won't change so it's up to you. Is it fair? NO, but it's your safety and your life that we're talking about, so you are the one who has to make the change.

Anti-stalking experts say there is no single course of action that will end the harassment or stalking, or the possible danger to a victim. Following are basic safety tips from stalking victims, prosecutors, anti-stalking organizations and police.


First and foremost, have no contact with your stalker.

As a stalking victim, you're frustrated, you're angry, and you're in fear for your life. How often have you wanted to scream into the phone after receiving a harassing call or confront the stalker and demand that he leave you alone? You may want a friend or relative to tell the stalker to stop bothering you. DON'T DO IT. The stalker feeds on your attention and anyone close to you. He/she doesn't hear you screaming "leave me alone." If you do this, the stalker knows you're once again paying attention to him/her, whether it's direct contact with you or through a third party. That's what a stalker wants - attention and that can be dangerous. Only police should contact or confront the stalker.


Safety Tips At Home

Tell your family, friends and neighbors that you are being stalked.

Show them a picture of the stalker and tell them the make, model and license number of the stalker's vehicle(s). Many victims have made up flyers to leave with family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. The more people watching, the more people who can warn you about your stalker and, if necessary, testify against the stalker in court. Many times neighbors have spotted stalkers around the victim's home while they're away. If you have a restraining order, leave a copy with your neighbors in the event they call the police during your absence.


If you live in an apartment complex, notify the manager immediately.

Give the same information as above. In addition, if anyone comes to your complex to inquire about you, request that they get a description and under no circumstance give out any information about you. Have the manger request an ID from the person. Request that they verify with you of any unexpected repairs or deliveries (i.e. cable, TV repair, phone repair, appliances, etc.). Although all managers say that they can't and won't give out any information, many do without realizing it. Stalkers can be very charming, persuasive, and intimidating. Over and over stalkers have impersonated repairman, delivery drivers, and law enforcement officers to gain access to victim's apartments.

Change your routine.

Don't jog, bike or walk the same route or at the same time each day. Don't shop at the same stores. If possible, have someone join you on your outings. Always remember that a daily routine makes it easy for the stalker to find and observe you.

Don't answer the phone unless you know who it is.

Let the answering machine pick the call up. If an answering machine is not an option, dial *69 (last call return service) or *57 (call trace). Never return a call if you do not know who the number belongs to.

Install a second phone line in your home if possible. If you don't have the finances available, keep the answering machine on.

One of the first things that an officer will advise you to do is, "change your phone number and make sure it's unlisted." Many stalking experts will tell you not to do this. Why? Any phone number listed or unlisted can be accessed, in a relatively short period of time, if a person knows how.

Many victims reported that when they changed their phone number the stalker became even more enraged. Some of the stalkers appeared at the victim’s home in a desperate attempt to reach the victim. Some victims were assaulted outside their home or office. Many of the stalkers bombarded the victim’s place of employment with phone calls when they could no longer reach the victim at home by phone.

Under no circumstance open your door if you do not know who it is.

Secure outside electrical and phone boxes with a lock. Don't make it easy for a stalker to flip circuit breakers or tamper with phone lines.


Obtaining an Injunction Against Harassment or an Order of Protection.

Another question you will often be asked by an officer is, "Do you have a restraining order"? If you don't have one, the officer will normally advise you to obtain one immediately. Although his/her advice is meant well, there are things you must consider before filing for one. Such an order can and often times will enrage a stalker. The restraining order is merely a piece of paper that officers can use as a tool and it does not ensure your safety. However, there are two very valid reasons to obtain one. The police are likely to take your calls more seriously and charges can be filed. Don't ever assume that immediate action will be taken.

If you have made the decision to obtain a restraining order, be more cautious than ever after it is served on your stalker. He/she may retaliate.

According to the Department of Justice, most stalkers (70%) violate restraining orders. However, the stalker who violates such an order is subject to arrest. If a warrant is not issued, the person can be charged with a misdemeanor (IJP - Interfering With Judicial Proceedings). Many victims have been successful in racking up multiple misdemeanor charges against their stalkers for violating the restraining order. In an IJP is considered a class 1 misdemeanor and carries a six-month sentence if the maximum sentence is imposed.

If you have obtained an Order Of Protection or an Injunction Against Harassment keep a copy of it with you at all times along with verification that the order has been served. In addition, give a copy to your friends, family, neighbors, employers and even co-workers.

There are many pros and cons whether a restraining order should be obtained or not. Each stalking case is unique and you are the only one that can make the final decision to file for one.

Make sure all your keys are accounted for.

If they aren't, change your locks. Install deadbolt locks. Make sure you have adequate lighting outside your home or apartment. Keep your doors locked at all times and make sure your windows are secure.

Many police departments offer safety checks for your home. Contact your local police department for further information.


If you have a garage, utilize it for your automobile(s).

Keep in mind that a very common trait of a stalker is to slash tires. If you live in an apartment complex, speak with the manager to arrange for you to park your car in a well lighted area or a more secure place where your car can be observed by you or another person in the complex. Before you exit your car, make sure no one has slipped in your garage while you were parking your car. If you have a door leading into your house from the garage, make sure it is kept locked.

When leaving or arriving at your home always check for unfamiliar cars or persons.

If you have a "gut feeling" that something isn't right, don't second guess the feeling - go with it. Keep a cellular phone handy in the event your phone line is cut.

Contact all of your utility companies and have all of your accounts coded with a password.

Stalkers have been known to call and have phone service, gas, electric, and water turned off at the victim's house simply by placing a call.

Periodically spot check the utility companies to make sure they ask for your password before giving out any information to you. Do not throw anything in your trash can that contains any information with your name, address or phone number. This should include bills, junk mail and personal mail. It's very easy for a stalker to go through your trash cans and obtain all the information he/she needs, not only on you but the businesses and/or people you correspond with. Obtain a paper shredder if possible or dispose of the mail somewhere other than your home or office trash.

Safety Tips To Follow In Your Car

Keep your doors locked at all times. Keep your cell phone accessible at all times. Always keep a minimum of a half tank of gas in your car.

Change Your Routine

Don't drive the same route to work, to a friend's home or to run errands. Try to plan your routes in advance. Let family, friends, or neighbors know where you are going. Many victims estimate how long they will be gone running errands and if they aren't back at a certain time family, friends or neighbors can alert police officials. Familiarize yourself with the location of police stations, sub-stations, fire departments, hospitals, all night convenience stores, in the event you need immediate assistance. Watch your rear view mirror to see if anyone is following you. Be alert at all times!

If you think someone is following you, make four lefts, four rights, or whatever works for you. If the vehicle continues to follow you call 911 on your cellular phone or go directly to a police station, sub-station, fire department, etc. Remember the description of the car, any identifying marks on the car, a description of the person driving and passengers if you can make them out and a license number if possible. When you're out, try not to travel alone, and try to stay in public areas. Stay on roads that are well traveled.

Identifying papers in your car

If you have mail, magazine subscriptions or papers in your car that display your name or address, be sure to turn them face down, keep them in the glove box or in the trunk. Don't make it easy for a stalker to walk up to your car and get all the information they need to locate you or the person who sent you the mail.

Keep your keys in your hand, not in your purse or pocket, when you’re going to or leaving your car.


Never leave your garage door opener in the car!

There have been several reports of stalkers breaking into the victim’s car to obtain the garage door opener for easy access to the victim’s home. Often times it is not discovered until the victim returns home only to find the opener gone.


Safety Tips When You're In A Public Place

Keep your cell phone with you at all times and make sure you have it programmed for 911. When you arrive at your destination, be aware of the activities in the parking lot. If you have an eerie feeling or you just don't feel safe - go with your "gut feeling" and leave. Upon entering the establishment, take a good look around to familiarize yourself with who is around. Be aware of where all exits are located and whom you can turn to for help. If you're in a restaurant or if you're at a fast food chain, sit where you can see who is coming and going.

Always be aware of your surroundings.

Before you return to your car, once again check to see if anyone is following you. If you even think there is, go back inside and ask someone to walk you to your car. Re-check the parking lot and areas around your car. Once you're safely in your car - lock the door. Remember - have those car keys in your hand.

Safety Tips At Your Place Of Employment

Even if you have moved, obtained an unlisted phone number and traded cars, stalkers know they can find you at your place of employment. This can pose a threat not only to you but also your company.

Inform your employer immediately that you're being stalked and alert building security. Many victims fail to do this out of embarrassment and fear of losing their jobs. It's extremely important to notify your company not only for your safety but the safety of co-workers. If your receptionist or security officer is not notified, the stalker could very easily walk right in. Again, be sure to give as many employees as you can the description of your stalker, show his/her picture; give them a description of the vehicle(s) he/she has access to. Let them be extra eyes for you and possible witnesses. Have someone screen your calls, visitors and packages that you may receive at work. If other employees receive calls from your stalker, have them document just like you do, and add it to your documentation. Stress upon them the importance of not getting into a confrontation with your stalker or trying to reason with him/her. If your stalker has threatened any co-worker in person or on the phone, have them file a police report immediately. If they feel it's harassment from the stalker, again have them file a report. Change your schedule if possible. Starting work as little as thirty minutes earlier or later can help. However, avoid a "set routine". Speak with your supervisor. Many companies now offer flextime. Avoid going to your car alone. Ask a coworker or security person to walk with you. Anytime your stalker is seen in the area, document it. If you have a valid restraining order, file a report. Above all, keep an open line of communication with your manager and co-workers. Make sure management has a copy of your Order of Protection or Injunction Against Harassment and verification that the order was served.

Safety Tips If Children Are Involved

If your children attend day care, make sure the day care center or private sitter is made aware of the stalking and what to do if the stalker were to make contact. Leave the same information and copies of restraining orders as you would with your family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. The same applies to children attending elementary, intermediate and high schools. Know the whereabouts of your children at all times. Go over safety and emergency procedures with your children, a representative of their school, and what to do if the stalker appears or makes contact.


Back to Top

6. Domestic Violence in the Community

Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem.

Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.

Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.

Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.

· Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene?
· Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
· Are you afraid of your partner?
· Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be "agreed" upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings.
· Has she or he ever violated your limits?
· Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
· Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?
· Do you feel obligated to have sex?
· Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
· Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
· Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
· Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
· Does your partner limit access to work or material resources?
· Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
· Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
· Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
· Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
· Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
· Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?


No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.

Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.


WE CAN REDUCE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Domestic violence does exist in the s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's behavior.

Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.

Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, s/m,or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists, and information on understanding and using the law. W rite to Safe Link c/o the Domestic Violence Education Project, National Leather Association, 548 Castro Street #444, San Francisco, CA 94114; or call the NLA at 415/863-2444, or email NLA International.

From the program of the International S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; text provided by Jan Hall. The Celebration specifically authorizes and encourages the reproduction and redistribution of this information so please feel free to distribute this.


Back to Top

7. Emotional Abuse

If you've been physically assaulted by an intimate partner, you're almost certain to have been subjected to emotional abuse as well.

In her book, Rape in Marriage, Diana Russell reprinted a Chart of Coercion from an Amnesty International publication, Report of Torture, depicting the brainwashing of prisoners of war. She suggested that it also describes the "torture of wives." Those who seek to control their intimate partners, use methods similar to those of prison guards, who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. These methods form the core of emotional abuse.

The chart of coercion (* follows below) has been modified for readability, but it maintains its essential meaning. It shows at a glance the method of coercion as well as its desired effect. Other types of emotional abuse include the following tactics:

* Humiliation or degradation
* Trivial demands and focus on the whims of the abuser
* Demonstrations of power and threats
* "Crazy-making"
* Emotional distancing
* Discounting Accusing and blaming
* Monopolization of Perception
* Enforcing trivial demands
* Countering Judging and criticizing
* Isolation
* Occasional indulgences or rewards


Patterns of Emotional Abuse

Emotion is defined as an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced . When one's emotions are manipulated by game playing, verbal abuse, physical abuse, outbursts of anger, or other methods of power and control, the result is emotional abuse. Because power and control tactics take many different forms, happen during many different types of incidents, occur mostly in private, it is often difficult for the victim to pinpoint or describe his/her feelings. The indicator heard most often is "I feel like I'm going crazy" or "Was I wrong?"..... a general feeling of confusion.


Patterns:

Pattern #1- "in private"

A good deal of confusion exists with certain types of abuse simply because they are difficult to define. They lead to uncertainty without some explanation and definition.

Lois was married to a successful executive. Everyone always told her how lucky she was to have such a wonderful husband. She always agreed with them and upheld Jim's good reputation. But when she was alone, she kept wondering why she didn't see him as a wonderful husband like everyone else did.

She began to realize that the reason for her different perspective was because Jim's behavior towards her was very different when they were in public gatherings together than he was when they were at home "in private."

"In private", Jim insulted her, called her derogatory names, ignored her, and in general, made her feel a great deal of humiliation. In public, however, he held her hand, called her sweetheart, listened attentively when she spoke, etc.

Her suspicions led her to begin to track the pattern that had caused her confusion. The pattern of "in private" abuse became evident after a short period of time.

Lois received very little support from her family who could not accept the reality of her experiences with Jim since they only witnessed the "in public" behaviors.


Pattern #2 - "unexpected"

Things has been great between Shannon and Bill. The bills were caught up, their jobs were secure, and generally life wasn't throwing any "crises" to upset the tranquility of their lives. They had planned a picnic by the beach, something they hadn't done for every so long.

Shannon had packed a generous supply of "goodies" in a picnic basket and Bill packed the car with beach chairs, blankets, and towels. They arrived at the beach and found a wonderfully private spot and proceeded to soak up the sun and listen to the music from the radio Bill had brought along.

After awhile, Bill suggested they take a swim. What a lovely, time they were having! Such a needed vacation day together. Shannon offered a sandwich: Bill accepted. Without warning, he threw the sandwich into the sand, screamed violently that he expected his favorite "ham" sandwich!! Didn't she know he loved ham!?! Then again without warning, Bill grabbed the blanket and his radio and headed towards the parking lot.

The incident both startled and confused Shannon. Everything was going so right. Bill's "unexpected" overreaction left her hurt and confused. Why did his explosive reactions always seem to happen at times they were least expected?


Pattern #3 - "no matter what"

Day 1
Today Francine felt wonderful. As she worked around the house, she decided to cook John's favorite meal for him tonight. When he arrived home from work, they sat down to eat. Francine was delighted to serve this dinner, but confused when he stated abruptly that he wasn't in the mood to eat. (He was always ravenous when he got home from work.)

Day 2
John had never been too happy with the way Francine ironed his shirts for work. While she did the best she could laboring over each shirt to "get it right", she made a decision she felt would please John. She would have his shirts professionally laundered and use her allowance to pay for them each week. That would also free up a lot of time for her. But John balked loudly the first time he saw his shirts in the dry cleaning bags hanging in his closet. He didn't like the idea at all.

Day 3
Though Francine is disheartened by the events of the past several days, she excuses John's reactions as a "bad mood." Today she will make sure she is in a very "up" mood when he comes home and simply ignore the events of the past two days.

When John arrives home, she meets him at the door with a smile and a kiss and offers to fix him a drink before supper. John glares at her and tells her to stop trying to "butter him up." He asks her what she is up to; what she is trying to get from him.

Day 4
Francine is visibly depressed when John arrives home. She doesn't know what to do to communicate effectively with John. He gets angry or sarcastic no matter what she does.

John notices her downheartedness and tells her he hopes she will not annoy him with her whining. She doesn't burden him with her concerns.

Day 5
Francine sees an obvious pattern. No Matter What she does or what her mood is, John will find fault with her.


Pattern #4 - "isolation"

Glenda and Tom have been married for five years. Glenda is very concerned about their relationship. Tom insisted years ago that she stop working and tend to their home. They have no children, but Tom felt she should be a "homemaker" by cleaning, doing the laundry, and having supper ready at night. Though she didn't mind this arrangement, his demands left little time for her to socialize. She was lonely.

After being married only six months, Tom felt a move to from New York would provide a more relaxing, healthier environment for them to start a family. She left her family and long-time friends to "make a new start." Money was tight since they were living on one paycheck so long distance calls to her family were few and far between. Just when Glenda was feeling like part of her church community, Tom announced he was ready for another move.

Glenda believed that moves were necessary for Tom's job improvement and salary increases. But Tom was increasingly becomeing more and more controlling and demanding and she had church friends to "bounce" her feelings off of. Another move would mean a loss of those friends and a valuable support system for her.

Tom insisted on the third move. Glenda deferred to him.

In a period of five years, Glenda and Tom had moved three times. Glenda was not only lonely, but had no one to do a "reality check" regarding Tom's demanding behavior and his insistance that she stay home and be a dutiful wife instead of "wasting her time" socializing. She began to notice a pattern of isolation in their marriage. Every time she started to make friends in the community, Tom insisted they move.


Pattern #5 - "crazy making"

January
Alice had planned a birthday party for her daughter on Saturday at 3:00. It was Debbie's 10th birthday and she had asked for a bowling party. Kent had promised to be home from work at 2:30 to drive the girls to the alley in his van.

It was already 3:15 and Kent was not home. By 4:00 the girls were beginning to leave and the party was spoiled. When Kent finally did arrive at 4:30, he told Alice she told him 4:30 was the appointed time. Alice was certain she had said 3:00. Debbie was crushed and Alice felt she was to blame for the miscommunication.

February
Alice couldn't find her wallet with her driver's license and credit cards anywhere. Kent tells her she's losing her mind. He tells her she's always misplacing things. When Alice searches her car for the third time, she finds her wallet in the glove compartment. She had looked there before.....had she just overlooked it? Is it possible to overlook it twice?

March
Alice is really worried. She has been forgetting things, misplacing things, and obviously misunderstanding conversations between her and Kent. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Is it possible she is losing her mind as Kent has suggested? Perhaps she should see the psychiatrist Kent found for her. She used to pride herself in her ability to remember things and was such a stickler for detail. Now she couldn't trust her own judgement. She felt like she was going crazy.


Pattern #6 - "apathy"

Kathy was becoming disillusioned about her marriage. She and Bob had only been married two years and already the friction between them seemed to be escalating. They were unable to resolve their differences to either's satisfaction.

And something worse was bothering Kathy. Bob had been displaying frequent outbursts since very early in their marriage. At first they were minor outbursts. Then as time went on, they got worse. He no longer just got red in his face. He threw things, broke their possessions, and even pushed her up against the wall once or twice.

Kathy used to be terrified of these outbursts of anger. She used to cry and "try to be better." She tried to do things just the way Bob liked in order to avoid the tantrums. She used to hide the bruises on her arms. She used to try to explain her fears to her mom. (Her mom thought Kathy had "provoked" Bob and wasn't at all sympathetic or supportive of her feelings and concerns.)

Now after two years of Bob's abuse, Kathy simply didn't care any more. She stopped sharing her concerns with anyone (why should she....they would just blame her?) She never jumped when Bob exploded. She didn't care if he broke things or hurt her, she just wanted to "get it over with." She didn't care much about anything any more. Who cares? Nothing can be done about this situation. There were no options for her.


Pattern #7 - "cruelty"

Joan and Ed never spent time together anymore. She was very worried, hurt, and angry about the way he was treating her. But more than the hurt and anger was the fear she felt when Ed was lashing out at her. And it wasn't fear for herself; she was afraid for her cat, Missy.

About a year ago, Ed had lost his job. It took him 7 months to find another one. During that time it seemed that he had developed several behaviors that Joan was worried about. Once he threw her favorite vase across the room and it smashed into a million pieces. It had been passed down thru the last four generations and was worth a lot of money. Why, she wondered, had Ed picked up that particular possession to throw across the room? Why didn't he throw the "dimestore" coffee mug he had been drinking from at the time. Why did he reach for that heirloom?

A while after that, when Ed was angry at Joan, he had reached for the necklace around her neck and the delicate gold chain had broken beyond repair. It had been given to her by her mother for Christmas and she was especially fond of it since she could have never afforded gold herself. Why did he reach for her favorite necklace? Why didn't he just pick up a pillow off the sofa to take out his anger on?

Then more recently Ed had begun to become impatient with her cat, Missy. Once he had kicked it just because the cat walked in front of him. Another time, he picked Missy up off his lap and threw her to the floor. Why was he being so cruel to the cat?

Joan began looking at the pattern of cruelty directed towards the things she loved. He never directed his anger at his own possessions or the ones she didn't care about. Could it be that Ed was deliberately hurting her in a "round-about", indirect way? That way he could deny abusing her and minimize the temper tantrum and outbursts.


Pattern #8 - "financial control"

Susan knew they weren't wealthy. She wasn't sure how much money John earned, but she guessed an account executive with an investment brokerage earned a decent salary.

Sure, they had two children and two vehicles; still one had to feed and clothe the children. These were the necessities of life. And even before the children came, John always said they were "short" this month. It wasn't like she was asking for money for frivolous "extras"; these were necessities. How was she to run the house- hold? She could barely afford laundry soap, hygiene products, snacks, and food on the small allowance John gave her weekly. And still he expected a decent meal on the table each evening, well laundered clothing, and well-groomed children! He said it was important to his career to present a good image to the community.

Now she had to accompany him to a conference in Miami and she knew John would expect her to "look the part" of an executive's wife. But as she looked through her closet, she realized that the image she needed to portray did not match the baggy jeans and sweatshirts that hung there. But John said there was no money for a new wardrobe. What was she to do? Even if there was money for several new dresses, she would feel guilty using the money for herself when the children needed school clothes.

Susan wanted to get a part-time job to help with the expenses, but again, John wanted no part of that. They could make do with his salary he had said. They just had to continue to cut corners.

Susan felt trapped. The situation looked hopeless. There never seemed to be sufficient funds to meet the needs of the family and she couldn't help by getting a job.

As she pondered the situation, she wondered if she dared ask John to cut his bowling activities to one night a week instead of two. Perhaps he didn't have to take the guys out for a beer every Friday night. And they surely could save on car payments if he was willing to drive a mid-size vehicle.....and maybe if ......and perhaps.......and what if...

Back to Top

8. False Stalking / False Victims


False victims, as they are sometimes known, use a variety of situations to attract attention to themselves. In some cases they may harass their own family and friends in order to fabricate false evidence or witness reports. This type of stalker firmly believes that he or she is the real victim.

In a sense there is a victim - the perpetrator. Why victimize yourself? Perhaps the person noticed how kind and considerate others were to them, when they presented themselves as a victim some time in the past. In short - the perpetrator/victim takes immense pleasure from being cared for and being the center of attention. One very common trait of this type of stalker is to file false police report(s) against the "real stalking victim."

These stalkers are frequently delusional and irrational. When presented with the facts, this type of stalker will rationalize and manipulate everything he can and ignore even a direct question, in order to preserve his fantasy of being the victim. He will initiate conflicts and then twist them in his favor in an attempt to gain positive attention for himself. He feels very inferior to the victim whom he admires greatly, although he will rarely admit this to be true. In reality, this kind of stalker suffers from a severe lack of self-esteem.

This form of stalker, believing himself to be inferior, wronged or rejected by the ones they admire the most, begin harassing, following the victim, spreading tales, keeping tabs, and in many instances plot revenge. The primary motive is to bring the victim down by any means he can.

Another trait that is showing up more and more in this type of stalking is Munchhausen (munch-how-zen) syndrome or in layman terms "The Munch Bunch." This is the name given to patients who fake illness or obtain hospital treatment in order to get sympathy from family, friends, and most often the actual victim's attention. These individuals are a considerable waste of medical resources. Hospitals will often hold a file on these people in an attempt to recognize them before they are unwittingly admitted for unnecessary treatment. The major problem is that they skip from hospital to hospital and doctor to doctor.

Time after time you'll hear a victim say, "The hospital called, he attempted suicide or he's having a heart attack because I wouldn't meet with him." Far too often these individuals know how to "fake" illnesses or even go to the point of attempted suicide but knowing just how far to go before it becomes life threatening. All to get attention!


Erotomania
Source: “Violent Attachment, “by J. Reid Meloy, 1992, Jason Aronson Inc. Publishing.

Psychiatrists do not know how prevalent delusional erotomania is, but recently they’ve come to believe it is not as rare as originally thought.

Also called Clerambault Syndrome, after the French psychiatrist who first identified it in 1921, the disorder is diagnosed far more often in women. The patient becomes fixated on a person and despite rebuffs, becomes convinced there is a romantic relationship.

It is most common in unmarried women who have few social skills, consider themselves unattractive and are employed in low-paying jobs. They often are lonely and withdrawn.

Men with the disorder are more likely to become violent than women, particularly if they have a history of substance abuse or mental illness.

The person who is the object of the obsession often is more socially prominent and sometimes is a higher-paid colleague. In some cases the person is a celebrity.


Source: ISE

What makes this type of stalker dangerous is their tendency to objectify their victims. This means they will view a victim not as a human being, but as an object that they alone must possess and control.

The perpetrator may become aware of their victim through various forms of the media (cinema, television, radio, newspapers, etc.) and establishes a delusional fantasy in which they have a special or unique relationship with the victim. These fantasies can be of an extreme sexual nature – sometimes reflected in the way the stalker attempts to communicate with the victim. The stalker believes the victim is communicating with him or her using a secret code that only they know the meaning of. Due to the nature of this type of stalker most victims will be the rich and famous. In some cases the victim may simply look like someone famous.


Back to Top

9. Financial Control


The following phrases are responses from victims of financial control which clearly define their experiences with this type of abuse:

• took all my paycheck
• controlled the checkbook
• put all the bills in my name
• had to account for every penny
• destroyed belongings I worked for
• didn't have adequate clothing
• his wants came before family needs
• spent family funds on alcohol/drugs
• forced me to commit robberies
• refused to pay bills/creditors
• not enough money for groceries
• no money of my own
• not allowed to work
• quit his job
• sold family possessions
• no knowledge of assets/finances

Financial control keeps one dependant, isolated, and without power. Not power in the sense of "authority", but power as it relates to the ability to choose, make decisions, and maintain self-esteem. Often the needs of all family members go unmet when an abusive partner holds control of all household finances. It is a manipulative tactic of power and control aimed at demeaning those from whom money is being withheld.


Back to Top

10. Forms of Stalking

Almost all stalkers have some type of mental or emotional problem. Stalkers will go across town, country, or even to different continents in order to continue their stalking. Stable people simply do not continue, often in the face of years of rejection, to pursue someone.

Stalkers, no matter what or how severe their mental disorder, can usually be sorted into one of three major groupings: Simple Obsession, Love Obsession, and Other.


I. Simple Obsession Stalkers

These stalkers have previously been involved in an intimate relationship with their victims. Often the victim has attempted to call off the relationship but the stalker simply refuses to accept it. These stalkers suffer from personality disorders, including being emotionally immature, extremely jealous, insecure, have low self-esteem and quite often feel powerless without the relationship.

While reconciliation is the goal, this stalker believes they must have a specific person back or they will not survive.

The stalker of former spouses or intimate partners, are often domineering and abusive to their partners during the relationship and use this domination as a way to bolster their own low self esteem. The control the abusers exert over their partners gives them a feeling of power they can't find elsewhere. They try to control every aspect of their partner's lives. Their worst fear is losing people over whom they have control.

When they realize this fear as the relationship finally does end, the stalker suddenly believes that his/her life is destroyed. Their total identity and feelings of self-worth are tied up in the power experienced through their domineering and abusive relationship. Without this control, they feel that they will have no self-worth and no identity. They will become nobodies and in desperation they begin stalking, trying to regain their partner and the basis of their power.

It is this total dependence on their partner for identity and feelings of self worth that makes these stalkers so very dangerous. They will often go to any length and stop at nothing to get their partner back. If they can't have the people over whom they can exert dominance and total control, their lives are truly not worth living. Unfortunately, along with becoming suicidal, they also often want to kill the intimate partner who have left them.

Stalking does not always begin with violence or trying to terrorize, it usually starts with, "Can I just talk to you or meet with you one last time?" " If you just talk to me I'll leave you alone." According to experts, "He wants her back, and she won't come back." Everything escalates from there and sometimes he snaps and assaults or kills her. In his mind, he makes the decision, "If I can't have you, no one else will." When he says this, he is attempting to cover his fear that she'll meet another man and leave him. Far too often, the police find that these stalkers follow through on their threats, killing the victims and then many times committing suicide. For them, death is better than having to face humiliation of the stalking victim leaving them for someone else, and the humiliation of having to face their own powerlessness.


II. Love Obsession Stalkers

These are individuals who become obsessed with or fixed on a person with whom they have had no intimate or close relationship. The victim may be a friend, a business acquaintance, a person met only once, or even a complete stranger.

Love obsession stalkers believe that a special, often mystical, relationship exists between them and their victims. Any contact with the victim becomes a positive reinforcement of this relationship and any wavering (even the slightest) of the victim from an absolute "NO" is seen as an invitation to continue the pursuit.

These stalkers will often read sexual meanings into neutral responses from the victim. They are often loners with an emotional void in their lives. Any contact with the object of the infatuation, even negative, helps fill this void. Failed relationships are the rule among these individuals.

Many suffer from erotomania. They have the delusion that they are loved intensely by another person, usually a person of higher socioeconomic status than them or an unattainable public figure. They are totally convinced that the stalking victim loves them dearly and truly, and would return their affection except for some external influence.

During questioning, police find that most love obsession stalkers have fantasized a complete relationship with the person they are stalking. When they attempt to act out this fantasy in real life, they expect the victim to return the affection. When no affection is returned, the stalker often reacts with threats and intimidation. When the threats and intimidation don't accomplish what they hoped, the stalker can often become violent and even deadly.


III. Other Stalkers

Some stalkers harass their victim not out of love but out of hate. Occasionally, stalking becomes a method of revenge for some misdeed against the stalker, real or imagined. Stalking can also be used as a means of protest. This is the smallest group, but this type of stalking, for revenge and protest, can be especially dangerous. There have been several killings by stalkers at abortion clinics, and mass murders around the country by employees who have been fired and then returned to stalk and eventually kill those who have fired them.


IV. Additional Information


Intimate Partner Stalkers

Once the relationship ends, this group of stalkers, fearing they will lose their identity and self-worth, often become desperate to re-establish the dominance and control they wielded during the relationship. If they find this isn't possible they can become suicidal, homicidal or both. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics report Female Victims of Violent Crime, in 29 % of all violence against women by a lone offender the perpetrator was an intimate. Women are about seven times more likely than men to experience violence committed by an intimate, and female victims of violence by an intimate are more often injured seriously enough to require medical attention than are females victimized by a stranger. Intimate partner stalking can end in much worse than just injury. It can end in death if the stalkers cannot regain the control they so intensely and desperately need.

Many intimate partner stalkers who have spent years dominating and controlling their partner simply cannot face the prospect that the people they've controlled for so long have successfully gotten away -- have proven themselves stronger than the stalkers. One former stalker wrote in his diary, "I couldn't live with myself thinking or knowing she had won, or she got me. No! This is war." Tragically his victim was murdered.

According to Linden Gross in her book To Have or to Harm, "We all have problems with rejection, especially if we're emotionally invested in a relationship. For the majority of us, however, rejection doesn't imply devastation. Even though the pain, however excruciating, our identities stay intact, our sense of self-worth bruised, perhaps, but still operational. This isn't so, however, for intimate partner stalkers. Because of their need for total control over someone, when the relationship breaks up their world is devastated. Their personality disorders won't allow them to accept rejection."

While this kind of stalker may or may not have psychological disorders, all clearly have personality disorders. A few of these personality disorders, according to the National Victim Center include:


1. Socially maladjusted and inept
2. Emotionally immature
3. Often subject to feeling of powerlessness
4. Unable to succeed in relationship by socially acceptable means
5. Jealousy bordering paranoia
6. Extremely insecure about themselves
7. Often suffering from low self esteem


According to experts, intimate partner stalkers can be the most dangerous types of stalker because they often have a history of violence against their victim, and consequently feel totally uninhibited about using more or heightened violence in an effort to get them back. The stalkers know that violence has worked for them in the past, and so they have no reason to believe that it won't work again. Also, intimate partner stalkers know their victim well: their family, their place of employment, their recreational activities, and so forth. They know where to find their victim.

Intimate partner stalkers, because of the dominance and control once held over their victim, often have the mind set that the victim is their property, to do with as they wish, and to reclaim in any way they see fit. And, believing that their lives won't be worth living if they can't recapture the victim as their property, they often feel they have nothing to lose by using extreme measures. Consequently, these stalkers feel totally justified in doing just about anything in an effort to regain control over the victim. Since the stalker believes the victim belongs to them, they show no regard for restraining orders, and may instead be infuriated by them, feeling they are being denied their God-given rights.

One victim best sums it up. "When you know a person is capable of anything, and he also feels he has nothing to lose, you'd better be scared of him. He'll kill you."

Researches have now found that intimate partner stalking often follows a three-phase cycle.


Phase One - The Tension Building Phase
This can include such things as making hundreds of telephone calls and sending dozens of letters, showing up wherever the victim is, casual surveillance of the victim, and following the victim wherever they go. However, when these actions don't accomplish what the stalker wants, the tension builds, and eventually the stalker may begin making threats, vandalizing property, and instituting more forceful attempts to make the victim give in to their demands.

Phase Two - The Violence Phase
Once the stalker realizes that their efforts in the first phase have failed, they often resort to violence against not only the victim but also the victim's friends, family and often times co-workers. This can include angry face-to-face confrontations, physical assaults (including rape), kidnapping, and in extreme cases murder.

Phase Three - The Hearts and Flowers Phase
The stalker reverts back to the less violent tactics, and will often either beg forgiveness for the violence or appear to abandon the stalking altogether. Unfortunately, any cessation is usually only temporary. This pause in the stalking can actually be an extremely dangerous period because many times the victim falsely believes that the nightmare is over, and consequently lets down his/her guard. They then can be caught unprepared and unprotected when the stalking suddenly begins again, often violently.

An important point for a victim or potential victim of intimate partner stalking to remember about this cycle of stalking is that it is not uniform or predictable. Stalkers can move through the phases fairly rapidly, at times changing from being loving to brutal in only seconds. For other stalkers, it may take years to move from one phase to another, and some may never move out of the first phase. Most important, because a stalker may cycle from being a minor nuisance to a physical threat extremely rapidly, intimate partner stalking victims must always be on guard.

Intimate partner stalkers are typically known as the guy who "just can't let go." These are most often men who refuse to believe that a relationship has really ended. Often, other people - even the victims - feel sorry for them. But they shouldn't. Studies show that the vast majority of these stalkers are not sympathetic, lonely people who are still hopelessly in love but were in fact emotionally abusive and controlling during the relationship. Many have criminal histories unrelated to stalking. Well over half of stalkers fall into this "former intimate partner" category.

In these types of cases, the victim may, unwittingly encourage the stalker by trying to "let him down easy," or agreeing to talk to him or meet with him just one more time. Victims need to understand that there is no reasoning with a stalker. Just the fact that stalking - an unreasonable activity - has already begun illustrates this fact. When the victim says, "I don't want a relationship now", the stalker hears, "She'll want me again tomorrow." When she says, "I just need some space," he hears, "If I just let her go out with her friends, she'll come back." "It's just not working out," is heard as "We can make it work out." In blatant words, the only thing to say to the stalker is "NO". Do not give explanations, do not give time limits and do not give the stalker any room to maneuver.

As a victim you should say "NO" once and only once. And then, never say anything to him/her again. If a stalker can't have his victim's love, he'll take his/her hatred or her fear. The worst thing in the world for the stalker is to be ignored. Example: "Think of a small child. If they are not getting the attention they want, they will act out and misbehave because even negative attention is better than none at all." Former intimate partner stalkers have their entire sense of self-worth caught up in the fact that, "she loves me." Therefore, any evidence to the contrary is seen as merely an inconvenience to overcome. Since giving up the victim means giving up the stalkers self-worth, they are very unlikely to do so. Say "NO" only once - Don't help the stalker hang on.


Back to Top

11. Interstate Stalking


Compiled by the National Center for Victims of Crime
18 U.S.C. § 2261A was originally enacted on September 23, 1996. In November 2000, the federal statute was amended as part of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) of 2000.

To report a violation of this federal law, contact the FBI or U.S. Attorney's Office in your district.
18 U.S.C. § 2261A1


Whoever (1) travels in interstate or foreign commerce or within the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States, or enters or leaves Indian country, with the intent to kill, injure, harass, or intimidate another person, and in the course of, or as a result of, such travel places that person in reasonable fear of the death of, or serious bodily injury to, that person, a member of the immediate family (as defined in section 115) of that person, or the spouse or intimate partner of that person; or (2) with the intent (A) to kill or injure a person in another State or tribal jurisdiction or within the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States; or (B) to place a person in another State or tribal jurisdiction or within the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States, in reasonable fear of the death of, or serious bodily injury to (i) that person; (ii) a member of the immediate family (as defined in section 115) of that person; or (iii) a spouse or intimate partner of that person, uses the mail or any facility of interstate or foreign commerce to engage in a course of conduct that places that person in reasonable fear of the death of, or serious bodily injury to, any of the persons described in clauses (i) through (iii), shall be punished as provided in §2261(b).


Interpretation

§2261A(1) makes it a federal crime to travel across state, tribal or international lines to stalk someone. The stalker must have the intent to kill, injure, harass, or intimidate the victim, who must be placed in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily injury. The victim's family members spouse or intimate partners are also protected.

§2261A(2) makes it a federal crime to stalk someone across state, tribal or international lines, using regular mail, e-mail, or the Internet (i.e., cyberstalking). The stalker must have the intent to kill or injure the victim, or to place the victim, a family member, or a spouse or intimate partner of the victim in fear of death or serious bodily injury.

§2261A(1) and (2) make it a federal crime to stalk someone within the special or maritime jurisdiction of the U.S. This includes federal lands such as national parks and military bases.

If you have any questions about the interpretation of these provisions, contact the U.S. Attorney's Office in your district.


Key Definitions

"Spouse or Intimate Partner" - (See 18 U.S.C. §2266(7)(A)(ii))

• A spouse or former spouse of the target of the stalking;
• A person who shares a child in common with the target of the stalking;
• A person who cohabits or has cohabited as a spouse with the target of the stalking; or
• Any other person similarly situated to a spouse who is protected by the domestic and family violence laws of the state or tribal jurisdiction where the injury occurred or the victim resides.
  
  

"Course of Conduct" - (See 18 U.S.C. §2266(2))

• A pattern of conduct composed of two or more acts, evidencing a continuity of purpose.
  
  

"Serious Bodily Injury" - (See 18 U.S.C. §2119(2) and 18 U.S.C. §1365(g)(3) and (4)

• Bodily injury (see below) which involves (A) a substantial risk of death; (B) extreme physical pain; (C) protracted and obvious disfigurement; or (D) protracted loss or impairment of the function of a bodily member, organ, or mental faculty. This includes any conduct that, if the conduct occurred in the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States would violate section 2241 (aggravated sexual abuse) or 2242 (sexual abuse) of this title.
  
  

"Bodily Injury" - (See U.S.C. §1365(g)(4))

• (A) a cut, abrasion, bruise, or disfigurement;
• (B) physical pain;
• (C) illness;
• (D) impairment of the function of a bodily member, organ, or mental faculty; or
• (E) any other injury to the body, no matter how temporary.
  
  

"Immediate Family" - (See 18 U.S.C. §115(c)(2))

• Immediate family includes the individual's spouse, parents, siblings, children, or any other person living in the individual's household related by blood or marriage.
  
  

Penalties for Interstate Stalking, Interstate Domestic Violence, Interstate Violation of A Protection Order Compiled by the National Center for Victims of Crime 18 U.S.C. §2261(b) Offenders will be fined, imprisoned.

(1) for life or any term of years, if death of the victim results;
(2) for not more than 20 years if permanent disfigurement of life threatening bodily injury to the victim results;
(3) for not more than 10 years, if serious bodily injury to the victim results or if the offender uses a dangerous weapon during the offense;
(4) as provided for the applicable conduct under chapter 109A (18U.S.C. § 2241 et seq.) if the offense would constitute an offense under chapter 109A (without regard to whether the offense was committed in the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States or in a Federal prison); and
(5) for not more than 5 years, in any other case, or both fined and imprisoned.


Interpretation

Penalties for violating 18 U.S.C. § 2261, §2261, 2261A or 2262 are either a fine, imprisonment, or both. There are no minimum sentences, but there are maximums based on the extent of the victim's injuries. The maximum sentences are listed below along with the corresponding injury.

• Life imprisonment if victim dies;
• 20 years if victim is permanently disfigured;
• 20 years if victims suffers life threatening bodily injury;
• 10 years if victim suffers serious bodily injury;
• Penalties set forth in Chapter 109A (18 U.S.C. § 2241 et seq. - sex offenses) if offender's conduct meets the elements of any of those offenses (conduct does not have to occur in federal prison or within special/maritime jurisdiction of U.S.); or 5 years for any other situation.
• In addition, the maximum sentence is 10 years if the offender uses a dangerous weapon.
  
  
  

Sentencing Enhancements, Upward Departure, and Additional Firearm Charges


Sentencing Enhancements - (See 18 U.S.S.G. §2A6.2. Stalking or Domestic Violence.)
Under (a), base level is 14. Under (b)(1), offense increases 2 to 4 levels if it involves one or more of the following aggravating factors:

• bodily injury;
• violation of a court protection order;
• possession or threatened use of a dangerous weapon; or
• pattern of stalking the same victim.
  
  
  

Upward Departure to Address Severity of the Crime - (See Application Note 5 of the Commentary to 18 U.S.S.G. §2A6.2)

An upward departure motion may be granted if sentencing enhancement under (b)(1) does not adequately reflect the extent or severity of the defendant's conduct. "For example, an upward departure may be warranted if the defendant stalked the victim on many occasions over a prolonged period of time."


Additional Charges for Use of Firearms - (See 18 U.S.C. §924(c) (1)

If the defendant uses or possess a firearm in furtherance of a crime of violence for which he/she is convicted, charges under §924 may be filed and the following penalties may be available:

• 5 years or more;
• 7 year or more if firearm is brandished; or
• 10 years or more if firearm is discharged.
  
  
  

Specific Firearms - If certain types of firearms are possessed or used, the following penalties may be imposed:

• 10 years or more (25 multiple convictions) for short-barreled rifles or other listed firearms; or
• 30 years or more (life for multiple convictions) for machine guns or destructive devices, or weapons equipped with silencers or firearms mufflers.
  
  
  

Interstate Stalking Title 18, '2261A

Whoever travels across a State line or within the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States with the intent to injure or harass another person, and in the course of, or as a result of, such travel places that person in reasonable fear of the death of, or serious bodily injury (as defined in section 1365 (g) (3) of this title) to, that person or a member of that person's immediate family (as defined in section 115 of this title) shall be punished in section 2261 of this title.


Interstate Domestic Violence Title 18, '2261

a. Offenses

Crossing a state line. A person who travels across a State line or enters or leaves Indian country with the intent to injure, harass, or intimidate that person's spouse or intimate partner, and who, in the course of or as a result of such travel, intentionally commits a crime of violence and thereby causes bodily injury to such spouse or intimate partner, shall be punished as provided in subsection (b).

Causing the crossing of a state line. A person who causes a spouse or intimate partner to cross a State line or to enter or leave Indian country by force, coercion, duress, or fraud and, in the course or as a result of that conduct, intentionally commits a crime of violence and thereby causes bodily injury to the person's spouse or intimate partner, shall be punished as provided in subsection (b).

b. Penalties.

A person who violates this section or section 2261A shall be fined under this title, imprisoned for life or any term of years, if death of the victim results;

• for not more than 20 years if permanent disfigurement or life threatening bodily injury to the victim results;
• for not more than 10 years, if serious bodily injury to the victim results or if the offender uses a dangerous weapon during the offense;
• as provided for the applicable conduct under chapter 109A if the offense would constitute an offense under chapter 109A (without regard to whether the offense was committed in the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States or in a Federal prison); and
• for not more than 5 years, in any other case, or both fined and imprisoned
  
  
  

Note: This section was not developed by E.S.I.A. The author or sponsoring organization granted E.S.I.A. permission for placement on this site. Points of view in the above document are those of the author(s).


Interstate Violation of Protection Order C Title 18, '2262

a. Offenses

1. Crossing a State line. A person who travel across a State line or enters or leaves Indian country with the intent to engage in conduct that -

(A) (i) violates the portion of a protection order that involves protection against credible threats of violence, repeated harassment, or bodily injury to the person or persons for whom the protection order was issued; or

(ii) violates this subparagraph if the conduct occurred in the jurisdiction in which the order was issued; and

(B) subsequently engages in such conduct, shall be punished as provided in subsection (b).


2. Causing the crossing of a state line. A person who causes a spouse or intimate partner to cross a State line or to enter or leave Indian country by force, coercion, duress, or fraud, and, in the course or as a result of that conduct, intentionally commits an act that injures the person's spouse or intimate partner in violation of a valid protection order issued by a State shall be punished as provided in subsection (b).

b. Penalties. A person who violates this section shall be fined under this title, imprisoned -

1. for life or any term of years, if death of the victim results;

2. for not more than 20 years if permanent disfigurement or life threatening bodily injury to the victim results;

3. or not more than 10 years, if serious bodily injury to the victim results or if the offender uses a dangerous weapon during the offense;

4. as provided for the applicable conduct under chapter 109A if the offense would constitute an offense under chapter 109A (without regard to whether the offense was committed in the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States or in a Federal prison); and

5. for not more than 5 years, in any other case, or both fined and imprisoned


Back to Top

12. Invisible Scars
August 1996 By Dr. Stacy Becker

Bio: Stacy L. Becker, Psy. D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and has been an advocate of abuse victims and survivors for several years. She is particularly committed to educating and treating survivors of psychological maltreatment. - - - - - - -


A middle-aged woman walked into my office, took a seat and asked, "Is it possible for me to have been a victim of child abuse if I was never beaten or molested? I responded, "yes" and asked why she asked. She described herself as being frequently depressed and unable to feel good about herself. She said that she felt that she did not know who she was, or what her purpose in life was. She said that her parents were good, strict parents and that, in all honesty, she had no right to feel badly about herself. "After all," she added, "worse things have happened to other people."

I thought that there had to be a reason for her asking her original question even though she insisted that she had a wonderful upbringing. I asked her what her parents' attitude had been like towards her. She said that in her home children were "seen and not heard." She recalled being the "good girl" in the family who always followed the rules. When I asked her what happened if she didn't follow the rules, she said that she never dared rebel but that she often saw her siblings publicly humiliated; they were frequently called "imbecile," "dummy," or "useless." She said that it made her feel afraid, even when she was not the one in trouble. When I asked her what she thought of this tactic, she stated that she knew that her parents did the best that they could. She said that her parents were simply trying to teach all the children the "ways of right and wrong" so that they would grow up to be "disciplined and successful adults." When I asked her if she felt angry about how she and her siblings were treated, she replied, "No, we weren't really allowed to get angry. Anger just makes things worse. Besides, I've always been much too sensitive about things."

It seemed to me that as the "good girl" she even felt guilty questioning her parents as she spoke to me. She spoke in a polite, soft tone, qualified nearly everything that she said, and reminded me several times about her parents' good intentions. When I gently suggested that it may be beneficial that she try to begin to look more at her past and how it may be keeping her from fulfilling her dreams in the present, she said that she was wrong for having come in and that blaming her parents was an ungrateful and disrespectful act. I explained that the goal of therapy is to understand what happened so that she could be as accepting of herself as she was of others. Therapy is never about blame. It's about understanding, healing and growing.*

This example illustrates one way in which psychological maltreatment had adversely impacted the life of a woman. There are many types of psychological maltreatment and just as many ways that it impacts the emotional, social, and intellectual development of individuals. In this case, although her parents had, perhaps, acted in ways that they felt would be in the best interest of their children, this woman had learned how to "be good" at the expense of learning who she was, what she wanted, and how to express her own feelings. Maybe she was depressed because she was too afraid to take chances and risk making an error; after all, in her family, making an error meant taking the chance of being devastated by humiliation and ridicule.

What is particularly insidious about this form of abuse is that the child victim and the adult survivor often have no idea "what hit them." There are no memories and no physical evidence of being beaten, molested, or abused because the bruises and scars are invisible. It is the soul that is injured.

Part of being a child is to naturally trust one's parents or caretakers and assume that if the adult says, "this is for your own good," it truly is. Even as adults, therefore, victims of psychological maltreatment often find it difficult to trust their own judgment since an integral part of the abuse was reinforcing that they didn't know what was best for them. Many children and adults simply accept the blame and think that they are the problem and are crazy, bad, or worthless. They discredit their own reactions and feelings so that their perceptions match what they are told to think or feel. They often conclude that had they been better, smarter, or more obedient, their parents would have been more loving, supportive, or proud of them. Unfortunately, depression and low self esteem are natural consequences of this process. The good news is: this is treatable. Therapy can bring relief and a new sense of purpose.

* For confidentiality purposes, this is a composite of many clients


Back to Top

13. Isolation


The following phrases are responses from victims of verbal abuse which clearly define their experiences with this type of abuse.

• wouldn't let me call friends
• couldn't go to family functions
• never invited anyone over
• my kids weren't allowed friends
• said no one liked to be with me
• wouldn't let me work
• wouldn't let me visit my family
• said he hated my friends
• insisted I come right home after work
• had no telephone in our new home
• moved away from family & friends
• only allowed to go grocery shopping
  
  
  

Isolation is the most effective way to "set the stage" for abuse since the victim is separated from emotional supports and reality checks. When separation and isolation are utilized, the messages of the batterer begin to saturate the senses. The gradual process of isolation is accomplished through a combination of demands, threats, and manipulation. Once the isolation has been achieved, the violence usually escalates both in intensity and frequency.


Back to Top

14. Lies, Lies and More Lies


"I lie. Compulsively and needlessly. All the time. About everything. And I often contradict myself. Why do I need to do this? To make myself interesting or attractive. In other words, to secure narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation, gossip)."

Article : Pseudologica Fantastics by Dr. Sam Vaknin


"They tell lies, even when there is no need to tell a lie. But telling the lie makes the game more interesting, for them, but leaves others in a state of confusion. Since they do this all the time and seldom tell the truth, that makes them pathological liars. With many years of practise, they become very convincing liars."

"They are very good at what they do and fool a lot of people, for a long time. Asking the question does not mean you will hear a truthful answer. Eventually, the truth comes out, because they get tangled up in their own webs of deceit."

"My ex-husband used to tell HUGE lies about me. Lies that always made ME look bad and HIM look like a martyr (when the opposite was true). I didn't realize this until AFTER we separated and, Boy, was it devastating! I thought that I knew ALL the horrors, to find out there were even more… I didn't think I could take the pain!"

"An N also puts themselves into a 'zone' and their pupils dilate when they tell a lie, or they look away, to say the words."

"The lies, the flirting, the lies, the comparing, the lies, the ambivalence, the lies, the belittling, the lies, the teasing, the lies, the built up promises, the lies, the setting up for disappointment. Did I mention the lies?"

"They may spread lies about you, but in the long run, the truth will prevail. Others will figure out that what the N says, has no basis, in fact. So carry on, by moving toward something which is a lot healthier, for you. Take it as a very expensive learning experience."

"When I think back, every time he opened his mouth - another lie tripped off his tongue - but the sad thing was, he truly believed what he was saying."

"She used to lie and cheat all the time years ago. How is it that I managed to end up with another liar and cheater? My recent ex g/f told me recently that she can flick her feelings off and on, and that she feels empty inside. I had no idea that she would come home one day and just flick her feelings off for me… How could I have missed this one? Stunned again."

"N would lie when the truth would save his neck."

"My ex-N would look me straight in the eyes and lie his ass off. I knew he was lying, and he knew I knew he was lying, but he would do it anyway."

"Before he left, I said: 'I want my self back! I should have followed my original instinct.' He said: 'You just cancelled out the last 4 years.' I said: No, your lies, omissions of the truth, lack of character, integrity, responsibility, empty promises, cancelled out the last 4 years."

"My ex-undiagnosed-female-N lied every time she opened her mouth. As time goes on, and I slowly verify some of the information, I have found that she has lied to me twice, and admitted it once. She said she was just joking (that's what a narcissistic psychopath does when caught, they just reframe it as a joke or whatever). What some of these liars do is throw a lot a truth in too, so if you check out a few things, and find it is true, then you think, well, everything is true. That's exactly what they are hoping for. For me it is hard to imagine the amount of lying that went on, the deceptions, the spin, the manipulation."

"When I would confront him about lying he would begin to laugh. He was truly evil."

"Do Ns know what they're doing when they're projecting? Probably not, but I think if it can be pointed out to them with proof, perhaps they can begin to understand the lies in their own thinking. Then we have to deal with the fact that even knowing what they're doing, and how unfair and hurtful it is to us, they may not care… due to their lack of compassion for anyone else, and because they are emotional sadists."


Back to Top

15. Pathological Liars


Is there really such a thing as a pathological liar?
13-Oct-1995


Dear Cecil:

Is there really such a thing as a pathological liar? If so, why does one become one?
--Scott Riedel


Dear Scott:

Why not? Looking at Washington on the one hand and the OJ trial on the other, you've got to figure it gives you a lot of career options. The term is, however, somewhat imprecise. The best definition was put forth 50 years ago by L. S. Selling: "a person having a constellation of symptoms ... characterized psychopathologically by a very definite tendency to tell untruths about matters which perhaps could be easily verified and which untruths may serve no obvious purpose." This enables us to distinguish a pathological liar from, say, a lawyer, whose distortions of the truth are easily detected by anybody not serving on the jury but which do serve the obvious purpose of getting his murdering slime of a client off. More generally, we may say that John, the adulterous husband played by Peter Gallagher in the movie sex, lies and videotape, is not a pathological liar because his deceptions serve the obvious purpose of enabling him to get laid. Thus we see that habitual liars are of two kinds: on the one hand, pathological liars, who are pathetic losers, and on the other hand skilled liars, who constitute the national ruling class.

What makes pathological liars lie is not well understood although it seems pretty clear there isn't any single cause. Some people exhibit what's known as "pseudologia fantastica," in which they present wild yarns as fact. Again, skill is a factor--your journeyman fantasts can maybe swing a gig with the Weekly World News, while those who really have the gift can try the Washington Post. On the other hand, if you’re lying is so inept that you don't qualify even for journalism ... well, there's always broadcasting. I have a report, for example, of a "35-year-old right-handed Caucasian male"--that's enough to put you on your guard right there--who suffered from "pathological lying associated with thalamic dysfunction." Due apparently to a brain impairment he had a ten-year history of repeated lying about everything from his personal finances to where he'd put the Kleenex. Years ago he'd have wound up in the gutter but today, thank God, he can be a guest on Jerry Springer.

Not all cases of pathological lying are associated with a neurological disorder. Psychologists also blame such conditions as "superego lacunae" or "a need for the patient to produce narcissistic gratification." I love the word "lacunae," and because I love it I can say for a fact that anyone using it has no concept whatsoever. Seems clear enough to me that some people lie because they profit from it, some fib because they're sick, and some do it because they're lying sacks of sh*t.

--CECIL ADAMS


Back to Top

16. S & M Abuse Policy


The following document was created from a policy workshop that took place at the Leather Leadership Conference (LLC) on Sunday, April 19th, 1997, with additional feedback from all the participants who attended LLC. Organizations are encouraged to sign on to and/or distribute this document:


The Difference between S/M and Abuse

A group of leaders and activists who attended the Leather Leadership Conference II in NYC on April 17-19, 1998, compiled the following set of ideals based on established community principles that SM is fundamentally different from abuse. We hope the community agrees to the following Standards & Guidelines that are intended to help the law enforcement and social services communities understand the difference between abusive relationships and S/M, which consists of diverse sexual practices that bring satisfaction and gratification to the participants. While we respect the diversity of our subculture, we believe that the autonomy and humanity of each individual must be respected and maintained.

S/M is the generally accepted term for a complex group of behaviors that involves the consensual giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation and/or intense mental discipline, and it usually involves an exchange of power between the partners. S/M is not about unresolved childhood issues of power, shame, or the eroticization of violence.

If an individual is in an abusive relationship, then it is likely that physical or sexual activities will also be abusive. It is essential that those involved in diverse sexual relationships are not isolated from their family or friends. To ensure self-esteem, individuals must be free to discuss their preferences, practices and feelings with anyone they chose. Individuals must also be able to exercise self-determination when it comes to money, employment and life decisions.


Standards

The community recognizes the phrase "Safe Sane Consensual" as the best brief summary of principles guiding our sexual expression.

A. "Safe" is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing. Each participant must be informed about the possible risks, both mental and physical.

B. "Sane" is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. Knowledgeable consent cannot be given if you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

C. "Consensual" is respecting the limits imposed by each participant. One of the most easily recognized ways to maintain limits is through a "safeword" - which ensures the bottom/submissive can end the activity at any time with a single word or gesture.

These Standards & Guidelines only pertain to sexual expression between consenting adults. Children (anyone under 18) cannot give knowledgeable consent, and sexual acts between adults and children are illegal and cannot be condoned by the community.

Threats are not safe, sane or consensual. Threats can include actions or warnings that your property will be destroyed, or your children and pets will be hurt, or your partner threatens to kill you or commit suicide if you leave, or you are blackmailed or outed because of your involvement in diverse sexual practices.

Isolation and/or being prevented from retaining employment or obtaining higher education is not safe, sane or consensual. Emotions must be respected, including feelings of jealousy or dissatisfaction, and responsibility for what happens must be accepted and shared by each participant.


Guidelines

• Use a safeword in order to make participants responsible to themselves and others.
• Use negotiation, which often involves complex, lengthy communication, in order to make participants aware of each other's limits, needs and desires.
• Do not use scenes to express anger or frustration, or to manipulate or give unwanted punishment to one of the participants.
  
  

If you say no to any of the following questions, you may be suffering abuse:

• Is your consent asked for or given?
• Are you able to withdraw consent and stop what's happening at any time?
• Are your needs and limits respected at all times?
• Do you feel good after a scene?
• Can you function in everyday life?
• Can you refuse to do illegal activities?
• Can you go wherever you want, whenever you want to?
• Is your relationship built on honesty, trust and respect?
• Can you insist on safe sex practices?
• Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?
• Do you feel free to talk to your family and friends whenever you choose?
  
  
  

We hold abusers accountable for emotional and physical violence, and we encourage survivors to seek support.


Back to Top

17. S&M vs. Abuse


Disclaimer: This is not aimed at anyone specifically but is general information. It is designed to give everyone an idea of what warning signs to look for & is by no means a complete list. It is meant to help.

S & M: An SM scene is a controlled situation. Control is given by the "submissive" to the Dominant to do the things planned in a scene or the lifestyle.

ABUSE: Abuse is an out-of-control situation. This is violence pure & simple. Control is taken by the ABUSER not given by the ABUSED.


S & M: Negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene. All parties are aware of the risks before hand.

ABUSE: One person determines what will happen. Doesn't care about the ABUSED or the RISKS at this time. Only the violence & punishment He/She feels the ABUSED needs.


S & M: Knowledgable consent is given to the scene by all parties.

ABUSE: No consent is asked for or given. The ABUSER doesn't care. Control is taken never given.


S & M: The "submissive" (partner) has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons.

ABUSE: The ABUSED person cannot stop what is happening. The ABUSER won't stop till they are ready anyway no matter how much pleading, crying, & hurt is done.


S & M: Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs,desires, and limits of others. They are always observed & the Dominant follows the first rule "To always protect the "submissive" (partner) at all times.

ABUSE: No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person. At the time He/She doesn't care about the needs of the ABUSED. Only the violence & to punish for some perceived or even made up wrong.


S & M: The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene.

ABUSE: Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse. This is often the reason the ABUSE started to begin with.


S & M: After an SM scene, the people involved feel good. Good feeling for everyone involved.

ABUSE: After an episode of abuse, the people involved feel bad. ABUSER will say He/She is sorry but that is about it. Sometimes counsel or Mental Health Aid will help but is iffy. Usually the ABUSED must leave in order for the ABUSE to stop.


S & M: After care is given to the "submissive" (partner) in a loving & caring manner. Usually no medical aid is needed except in rare situations.

ABUSE: Usually the ABUSER will say He/She is sorry & it won't happen again. It will happen again when the ABUSER feels violent or perceives something isn't the way He/She thinks it should be. Sometimes the ABUSED has to seek Medical Aid and/or Hospitalation. Often times the ABUSED is isolated so others won't know.


Back to Top

18. Sex Education: Key to Avoiding Abuse


SEX education should be introduced early in a child's life, so she would know should she be sexually abused, said the head of the Institute of Mental Health's Child Guidance Clinic, Dr Cai Yiming.

Speaking to The Sunday Times at the three-day Asian Sexology Congress yesterday, he backed a call by the Singapore Planned Parenthood Association on Friday for sex education to be taught at kindergarten.

If the subject is introduced early, he added, a child would know if she was abused and could tell someone.

His and the association's idea of sex education for young children does not cover the sex act though.

Dr Cai said they should learn about 'the different parts of their bodies and what parts are appropriate or inappropriate for people to touch'.

In the paper he delivered at the congress, he noted that abusers were most likely to be aged between 30 and 60. He saw 38 cases of sexual abuse involving children last year, he said, and most of the abusers were men who were strangers to the children.

Most of the victims were girls and a lot of the abuse was by uncles and fathers in the children's homes.

Dr Cai said: 'So home is not really home sweet home for these children.'


Back to Top

19. Types Of Stalkers


Casual Acquaintance Stalker

Stalking does not have to involve an intimate relationship. The relationship can be as minor as a casual interaction, such as a momentary conversation, a quick lunch together in a crowded restaurant, or a smile across a room. These can all be interpreted as a romantic encounter by a potential stalker. A large number of people every year become stalking victims because they felt sorry for someone and showed him or her compassion. Befriending or even just being polite to a potential stalker can be exceedingly dangerous. Stalkers often see any acts of kindness as a sign of the true love that they are convinced exists between them and their victims.

Very little interaction is needed with a potential casual acquaintance stalker in order to trigger a long-term stalking episode. Attempting to appease or ignore a stalker simply will not work. Restraining and protective orders, though important and occasionally helpful, often don't work. The stalker's belief that they and their victim(s) are meant for each other or, that "It is in the stars for them to be together" often overrides any fear these stalkers might have of the consequences of violating restraining or protective orders.

How dangerous can a stalker be who only knows the victim casually? Very dangerous. According to the Bureau of Justice, statistics report that 36% of all aggravated assaults against women in the country are committed by acquaintances or friends, as are 53% of the rapes and sexual assaults and 22% of homicides. Many of these women had been stalked beforehand by these acquaintances or friends.

A very real danger with being stalked is that the victim must still work. Finding a new place to live for a while may be difficult, but finding a new job or occupation, particularly when the victim has extensive education and training or has worked at their present job for a long time and accrued considerable seniority, just isn't easy, especially when the victim isn't sure just how dangerous the stalker is or can be. Very few people will make such a radical life change as getting a new occupation because of threats by a casual acquaintance. Subsequently, a stalker knows they can go to the victim's place of employment and likely find them there. According to a former stalking victim, "A stalker knows if they can't catch you at home, they can catch you at work."

While it is tragic and disturbing that some people can begin their obsessive stalking on as small an initiative as the victim appearing to be kind and polite to them, this does not mean that people should stop being kind and polite to others. It does mean, however, that you should be on the lookout for the signs of a potential stalker and take action immediately if you believe you may become a stalking victim.


Stranger Stalking

While being stalked by someone with whom the victim has had an intimate relationship, or by someone known to the victim who has perhaps attempted unsuccessfully to establish an intimate relationship, is frightening enough, at least the victim knows who the stalker is, what he or she is capable of, and what to likely expect. Because the stalker is unknown to them, the stalking takes on a much more frightening feeling. Because the stalker is unknown to the victim, the victim has no idea who to be on the lookout for, who to be careful of or around, and who to speak to and who to avoid.

Although the danger level connected with stranger stalking may not in actuality be higher, the stress level most certainly is. Most experts will tell you that stranger stalking can be one of the most terrifying of all stalking situations as experts don't know how to deal with it.

Often a stranger stalker suffers from erotomania; a mental disorder that causes the stalker to believe another person is in love with him or her. Due to this disorder, a stranger stalker may fantasize either that they have had an intimate relationship with their victim or that their victim truly loves them and wants to have an intimate relationship with them.

According to Dr. Park Diets, "Erotomania is directed at both men and women, but more men act on the delusion."

Victim find themselves constantly asking, could the stalker be the stranger across the street, the person standing behind them in the store, or the driver of the car that seems to be following them? The victim has no idea who the stalker is, and also no idea what might happen. This unpredictability and uncertainty can be psychologically and emotionally crippling. The victim doesn't know the stalker's tendency for violence, what the stalker wants or more important, what the stalker plans to do.

Victims of stranger stalking often ask themselves, why me? They search through their memories for any event that might have provoked this reaction from a stranger. Many times the victims of stranger stalking are simply selected at random.

Occasionally victims of stranger stalking may eventually find out who their stalkers are. Often, the stalker is completely unknown to them, sometimes they are just nodding acquaintances, and sometimes they are individuals who have had chance encounters with the victim.

With stalking incidents involving former intimate partners or even former acquaintances the victim knows the identity of the person they are dealing with. This is not the case with a stranger stalker.

What can you do against a stranger stalking you? You can't ask the stalker's family to intercede, you can't have a friend or intimate partner threaten the stalker, and you'll have a hard time getting help from the criminal justice system. You will often hear victims say that "officers always have a logical explanation and they think I'm the one who is delusional and crazy. Let them live in my shoes for a week and then let them draw their own conclusion. How can I get a restraining order on someone when I don't even know who it is?"

Stranger stalking usually doesn't end with the violence of many intimate partner stalkings. However, they are no less terrifying and disrupting. Being stalked by a stranger can affect the way a person looks at others and at life in general. Victims of stranger stalking often feel they can no longer smile at or be friendly with strangers or casual acquaintances and come to question the meaning of smiles given by others. They stop being outgoing instead they become standoffish and self-protective. They discover that their whole lives are changed.


Delusional Stalkers

They may have major mental illnesses like schizophrenia, manic-depression or erotomania. What they all have in common is some false belief that keeps them tied to their victims. Frequently they have had little, if any contact with their victims.

In erotomania, the stalker's delusional belief is that the victim loves him/her. This type of stalker actually believes that he is having a relationship with his victim, even though they might never have met.

"The woman stalking David Letterman, the stalker who killed actress Rebecca Schaeffer and the man who stalked Madonna are all examples of erotomanic stalkers."

Another type of delusional stalker might believe that he is destined to be with someone, and that if he only pursues her hard enough and long enough, she will come to love him as he loves her. These stalkers know they are not having a relationship with their victim, but firmly believe that they will some day. John Hinckley Jr.'s obsession with Jodi Foster is an example of this type of stalker.

The typical profile of a delusional stalker is that of an unmarried and socially immature loner, who is unable to establish or sustain a close relationship with others. They rarely date and have had few, if any, sexual relationships. Since at the same time they are both threatened by and yearn for closeness, they often pick a victim who is unattainable in some way; perhaps she is married, or has been the stalker's therapist, clergyman, doctor or teacher.

Those in the helping professions are particularly vulnerable to delusional stalkers, because for someone who already has difficulty separating reality from fantasy, the kindness shown by the soon-to-be victim, the only person who has ever treated the stalker with warmth, is blown out of proportion into a delusion of intimacy.

What these stalkers cannot attain in reality is achieved through fantasy and it is for that reason that the delusion seems to be so difficult to relinquish. Even an imaginary love is better than no love at all.

Delusional stalkers have almost always come from a background which was either emotionally barren or severely abusive. They grow up having a very poor sense of their own identities. This, coupled with a predisposition toward psychosis, leads them to strive for satisfaction through another, yearning to merge with someone who is almost always perceived to be of a high status or very socially desirable. It is as if this stalker says, "Gee. If she loves me, I must not be so bad."


Serial Stalkers

Although many victims of stalking may feel that their stalkers have chosen them because they represent something unique and desirable, and that the stalker is fixated on and possessed with only them, this often isn't the case. Detectives often find that if a complete background investigation is made into the stalkers past there are often other cases of prior stalkings.

What percentage of stalkers are serial stalkers? Experts say that more than half of the stalkers in America have been involved in prior incidents of stalking. Psychiatrists cannot accurately predict when the behavior will stop or re-occur but they know that about two-thirds of those showing obsessive behavior have had prior episodes.

Far too often, a look in into the past actions of a stalker can be a frightening glimpse into how the present stalking will end.

Frustrated serial stalkers don't have to have had an intimate relationship before they begin stalking their victim, and they may even stalk more than one victim of the same household at the same time.

Although stalking victims may desperately want to know why they were chosen as the victim, what they might have done to trigger a stalker's obsession with them, often, they find the answer is nothing. They are just one of a serial stalker's many victims. These stalkers are simply following a pattern of behavior they have practiced for years. No matter what the reason or cause for the stalking, victims should be cautioned that serial stalkers in particular are very disturbed individuals.


Back to Top

20. Verbal Abuse


The following phrases are responses from victims of verbal abuse which clearly define their experiences with this type of abuse.

• yelled at
• called names
• nagged at
• called racial slurs
• called stupid
• told no one else would want me
• talked to as a child
• constant put-downs
• ridiculed appearance
• threatened to kill me
• threatened to take the children
• belittled important things I accomplished
• told me I was stupid, ugly, dumb
• said I was an unfit mother
• embarassed me in public
• told the children I was disgusting
• said I was a bad sex partner
• always screams at the children
  
  
  

There are many categories of verbal abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them. They include:


Withholding: If there is a relationship, then there must be an exchange of information. Simply put, withholding is a choice one partner makes to keep virtually all one's thoughts, feelings, opinions, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward the other partner. The verbal abuser may go for months without attempting to engage his partner in meaningful interaction.

Jokes: This type of abuse is not done in jest. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the feminine nature of the partner, to her intellectual abilities, or to her competency. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas, and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph.

Trivializing: Trivializing says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. This type of abuse is often difficult to detest as it can be very subtle. One is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn't quite sure why. Nothing you say or do is important or meaningful. Little heed is paid to your comments or suggestions.

Judging and criticizing: Usually this type of verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone. Remarks and comments that negate or discount a partner's feelings are: "The trouble with you is...."; "You're never satisfied...."; You're too sensitive.."; "You don't know what you're talking about..."

Blocking and Diverting: This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal communication. The abuser may refuse to communicate, establishes what can be discussed and determines when the conversation is finished. Examples of blocking are: "You think you know it all;" "That's a lot of bunk;" "Just drop it;" "Who asked you?"; "Where did you get a stupid idea like that?", etc.


Other types of verbal abuse include name calling, threatening, denial, undermining and ordering. All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and value.


Back to Top