1. Don't Box Me In
2. Switches Creed
3. Switches
4. Switching-How Does It Work

1. Don't Box Me In

Thoughts & Observations on Switching
by Debra Hyde


Probably the worst insult you could level at me is the pat and petty, "Switches? They’re just Doms or subs who can’t make up their minds." Can’t? Can’t? It’s more like won’t. Why should we, really? We have the best of all worlds: we get to exercise our range of talents, tastes, and perversions without conforming to any one role permanently. We are, if you must know, the gleeful gluttons at the smorgasbord of sexual mores. That said, if you take the time to look a little deeper, you'll find that simply being a switch isn't all that simple. We’re actually a complex bunch. Many of us keenly identify with one slant while embracing a plethora of practices. My friend, Paul, largely identifies as a dominant but readily admits he’s also a "fanny fetishist, intensely masochistic bottom, sadistic top, spanking enthusiast." And "readily admits" is an understatement -- he practically drools when he describes his tastes and capacities (especially if you make him account for himself through a gag). Switching can be matter of economics as well. Now’s a tough time to be a bottom -- there simply aren't enough free-roaming tops to go around -- and that’s led to the interesting practice of bottoms doing each other for mutual gratification. "If all else fails, we'll do each other," one bottom laughingly told me once. And indeed they do. I've seen many bottoms -- good friends doing each other a good turn -- switch out of necessity. Although such bottoms routinely distance themselves from any top identity, they should give themselves credit where it’s due: they’re usually quite thorough in understanding their fellow bottom’s state of mind and body, their play style is very buddy-buddy, and they’re quite competent. As a spectator, I love watching two bottoms at play because I love their rapport and natural understanding of each other. Some individuals are serial switches, capable of assuming whichever side of the slash that doesn't appeal to their current partner. For them, the relationship is most important and, with solid trust and compatibility, they operate from the most convenient platform with little conflict and much happiness. I consider myself something of a serial switch, but, like any complex switch, I’d have to put an asterisk (*) after that statement for further clarification. That’s because my own switch-ness is highly definable. Innately, I feel dominant; it comes naturally to me, being of quick wit and mind, and I’m good at it. Early on in my BDSM explorations, though, I found myself attracted to the "good bottoming makes a good top" philosophy. Plus, I knew I liked nipple torture, having spent the better part of my adult life teaching vanilla lovers how to twist my nipples without flinching. (Their flinching, that is.) I added bottoming to my personal agenda, even if it was low on my list of perverse priorities. Eventually I got around to it, and, much to my surprise, I found I had a vast capacity for submission, at least on a very singular basis with my Master. Wise man he is, he carefully and patiently eased me into submission via masochism. (In other words, love me profoundly, beat me mercilessly, and eventually I'll do anything for you.) My capacity for submission caught me completely by surprise because what few fantasies I had about submission were, I thought, little more than masturbation fodder. What a delight to discover I was wrong. Lucky me, my Master is also a cock-and-ball-torture-loving masochist and I enjoy topping him when he needs a good dose of it. So how does a submissive top her Master? Through good ground rules. If he needs some intensities inflicted on him, I get advance notice so I can plan both my headspace and the scene. And when we meet, I top him first -- I don’t have the capacity to top once he’s taken me down in any way. Preserving the headspace is everything. Still, he’s done some interesting "instruction" with me on the bottom -- heady experiences in making me perform typically toppish maneuvers while in bottom space. I can still clearly feel the combined sense of marvel and submission I felt when he instructed me in the use of a Foley catheter on him... Oops. Mind’s wandering. Forgive me. I must admit, all this ability didn't just magically appear. It took time and practice for me to embrace my submission and my switching, largely because my self-identity had to evolve and take shape. I had to wiggle through a number of contortions to get where I am now, some of which were interesting and, in retrospect, amusing -- like the brief time I considered myself an "owned top," that is, I was owned but I was predominantly toppish self-identity. I now see myself as a switch, currently submitting (with dedication). If something should ever happen to my relationship with my Master, I see myself becoming a top/bottom free agent. My submission comes with a nontransferable clause, it seems, but my masochism can’t be shelved any more than my sadism. And perhaps that’s the defining point of switch-hood. If you ponder "what if" about the future and realize that you see yourself playing all the angles, if you crave many possibilities, if you’re unwilling to settle for less than the whole enchilada, then you’re a switch.

So, want some nachos with your order?


Don't box me in copyright©1999
Debra Hyde
http://www.section12.com/users/debrahyde/


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2. Switches Creed

I will be true and honest with others and myself in setting clear ground rules as to the limitations of a scene whether I am participating as a Dominant or a submissive.

I will treat my partner(s) with respect always remembering the cornerstones of BDSM play - safe sane, and consensual.

I will not judge those who do not understand the concept of S/switching and try not to judge those who make assumptions or remarks.

I will be courteous and patient to those who ask for further clarification about S/switches offering explanations at the level of discretion with which they and I are most comfortable I will verbalize my limits clearly, calmly, and with appropriate language and terms.

I will not attempt to "Top from the bottom" if I am in the role of the submissive.

Nor will I attempt to compare the way in which I submit with another when in the Dominant’s role.

I will remember that everyone does these things differently and try to live each experience for itself

I will cherish the gift of submission when it is given to me and the control of a Dominant when, I lie safely in His/Her control.

I will be open to others and the roles they have chosen for themselves

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3. Switches

The Switch. Adding this component into understanding of the community is often similar to adding a dose of confusion or chaos. In addition, many within the on-line community have chosen to malign people who identify themselves as switches and they tend to be made to feel uncomfortable within the two easily identified groups of Dominant's and submissives. This is unfortunate and very wrong. When any group becomes polarized or elects to ostracize or exclude people who express themselves differently they inevitably weaken the whole. Being a Switch does not make the individual any less a member of the community. There is some evidence that the Switch community may actually be the largest and fastest growing segment of the community. It is true that within the real life community that a large percentage of both Dominant's and submissives have at some point switched orientation. There is also a tendency, primarily in the online community, to believe that a Switch is not a Dominant or submissive at all but instead a Top or a bottom. While this is true sometimes, it is not true all the time.

In general a Switch can be looked at in three ways. A Dominant/Switch, a submissive/Switch and a split/Switch. The vast majority of Switches fall into the first two of these three groups. The individual will have a primary orientation of either Dominant or submissive and a secondary orientation of the opposite. This means simply that they tend to express the majority of their personality or aspects in either the Dom role or the sub role. Many Switches are lifestyle BDSM people with strong belief's, feelings, hopes, desires and dreams, just like everyone else. Often Switches will live with or be happily married to a D/s partner who may or may not be a Switch. They will spend the 'majority' of their time in their primary orientation and the minority of their time in their secondary orientation.

In many ways coming to grips with or fully understanding the complexities of living as a Switch is perhaps one of the most challenging tasks in all of D/s. Making sense of the confusion coupled to a desire to belong somewhere forces many Switches into choosing one side or the other. There is a tendency to believe that being a Switch means that the individual has avoided 'being' a Dominant or submissive, that they may be weak, afraid or lacking in personal conviction. As if there is a rule somewhere that says you must be totally Dom or sub or you cannot be part of the community. Choosing or naming yourself something that does not fully address your reality is a recipe for future problems and extensive personal grief.

If you attempt to 'force' yourself into 'performing' as just one side or the other then a part of your self will remain unaddressed. Eventually this can lead to bursts of energy release which can be enormously destructive. In some cases the individual may be with a person who believes that their secondary aspect needs to be destroyed. This can lead to language such as 'breaking'. Attempting to rid a submissive/Switch of their Dominant aspect through 'breaking' is fundamentally wrong. Mental and emotional battery designed to destroy a part of another human is absolutely wrong, cruel, non-consensual and most often reveals weakness within the perpetrator than anything else. The need to 'break' someone is usually driven by 'fear' of that aspect.

A Dominant/Switch who attempts to hide or mask their desire and need to occasionally experience the opposite of their Dominant role may actually transfer personal frustration onto the submissive they are with. This can manifest as momentary episodes of lack of control, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and even physical non-consensual abuse or battery.

Maintenance of good mental and physical health are essential in preventing these types of destructive events. This is done through healthy choices. It is all about keeping a balance, addressing all sides and attempting to neglect or ignore nothing. Being honest about your needs is essential.

Switching from one role to another is not simple. In many ways it can feel like moving from bright daylight into total darkness, everything needs to adjust. Adjustment takes time. And, being able to shift back at will doesn't come instinctively or easily for many people. This is especially true if a person has denied freedom for their Switch side for a long time due to attempts to 'fit' into one of the more acceptable roles. In a sense the Switch aspect can fear future denial and attempt to cling on or maintain itself.

Learning how to move easily and comfortably between both roles takes time, a sense of personal understanding, emotional security, and a lack of fear in how either side will be viewed and interacted with by those who are important in the individual's life. Anything which impairs this sense of personal security can make the Switch aspect feel threatened and defensive. It is my personal opinion that all humans have contradictory sides which in most cases they attempt to hide thorough fear of appearing 'weak' or too 'strong'. Failure to be open and honest about these sides leads to secrets, closed communication and feelings of personal frustration. Which can in turn lead to destruction of relationships.

The third type of Switch is a split or neutral Switch. Essentially the individual does not appear to favor either a Dominant or submissive role but can openly and freely enjoy both or express both, also moving between roles with no apparent difficulty. I have found this type of Switch to be far less common. The majority of these types of Switches tend to identify themselves as Top's and bottom's. They prefer to have relationships which are quite similar to standard vanilla relationships in levels of equality and sharing and express their passion for D/s and BDSM almost exclusively in-scene.

There are no right's or wrongs to where you may find yourself within the community. Traditionally Dominant's were trained first as submissives in order to show them through personal experience all aspects of the lifestyle. Moving from one aspect to another is not uncommon and many believe that a full range of experience is the best way to learn about your opposite. Living as a Switch brings with it the full challenges of both sides of the coin. Expect to struggle, expect to change more. Enjoy!


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4. Switching - How Does It Work


Vargr and CrimsonMane
October, 2000


Introduction

A Switch, as defined in the Deviant's Dictionary : 1. Someone who switches between Top and Bottom roles, either from scene to scene or within a scene, also known as a switch-hitter.
2. Small cane with split end.

This article isn't about caning, it's about switches, or switch-hitters. In some circles, this practice is referred to as being "versatile."

So, a switch is someone that can take on the role, or attitude of a Top/Dominant or a bottom/submissive. How does this happen? Are people that switch just playing at BDSM and can't take it seriously? How is switching seen by others? We'll do our best to cover every angle we can think of in this article.

One problem that switches face is that they are often not taken seriously by single-role members of the scene. Many assume that if a person can play two roles, that they cannot play either well, or that they are in denial of their "true" nature. It is true that some people try both topping and bottoming before settling on a role that best suits them, and in fact in the "Old Guard" days, it was quite common to begin as a bottom. Most switches, having gone through this period of self-exploration, have discovered that they have either the ability or the desire to play both roles with equal skill. This is one of the things that can generate derision from a single-role player that is not secure in their own role. In some cases, rather then insecurity, it is a simple lack of understanding that causes difficulties. Unfortunately, it is human nature to attack that which we do not understand.


How Does Switching Work?

This is a question that switches are often asked, and the answers are usually as varied as the people asked. Some people don't switch with an individual partner, but rather have a person or people that they top, and other(s) that they bottom to. Others are comfortable switching roles with a single partner, if that partner also switches.

For example, if person A is a switch, they may top person x, but submit to person Y. On the other hand, switch C may both top and bottom to switch G, depending on there agreements to mood that night. Sound confusing? It can be. What can be even more confusing is that C and G may start out a night in certain roles, and after a while of playing, decide that their moods have changed, take a break, and continue playing later in the opposing roles.

This latter case can arise in situations in which a pair of switches scening together may have conflicting desires. In a situation where both want either to top or to bottom, negotiation must occur. As always, communication is paramount.

There is one huge advantage to switching. You can pick partners based solely on their individual traits. Roles are negotiable. Terms like "switch" are an easy way to give someone an idea of what you like to do (learning who a person is requires much more time) before you give them the long low-down on what that means to you. Getting to know a person is a much different matter, but terms are where one starts. Hell, lets face it, language is a clumsy tool anyway, and generalized language even more so.


To Switch or Not To Switch

I (CM) can't personally vouch for how people discover that they are switches, I believe it usually happens by accident (the way most comic book heroes are made!). While I was still exclusively submitting I was also writing BDSM fiction. That lead me to the thought, "Hey, you know, I'll bet that I can top or Dominate." Later I found out that I was right. Knowing where I wanted to go when I submitted meant that I had a head start in leading someone else to similar head space. Couple that with knowing the sensations given by the tools I had at hand, and knowing how to set a mood, and I was off.

As for me (Vargr), I discovered I was a switch in my first BDSM relationship. I only wanted to bottom at the time. I had never considered topping at all. My partner was more into B&D than any other aspect of the lifestyle, and she only wanted to bottom as well. We both became switches by necessity. As it turned out, I discovered that I quite enjoyed topping as well. I had never before experienced the head space that it put me in, nor did it in any way diminish the fulfillment or enjoyment I got from being on the the other end. She on the other hand decided that she not enjoy topping at all, and as far as I know, she no longer switches, and has gone back to being a bottom only.

I(CM) switch because I do not always feel submissive. But when I do, I feel it through and through. It's where I feel most at home, where my greatest level of satisfaction is. When I submit, it doesn't matter if I'm doing something I personally like to do, as long as I am a vessel for the will of the Dominant(s). It's not an out-of-character kind of acting or behaving, it's acting true to my nature that is prevalent at the time.

When I Top or Domme, that is what I expect from the bottom. That they are being true to at least part of themselves, and I help them forget for a little while that there is any other part. Not because the rest of it is less valuable, but because THIS is the part of them that they and I want to explore (perhaps exploit, but in a consensual fashion) and revel in. When I Top I am brutal. I'll do things that I know the bottom likes, but those are almost always traded with an activity that I know they don't enjoy (and yet have consented to). I'm happy to give out a very sensual flogging, but the last several strikes are always "just for me" and they are the hardest of all.

Is it more submissive to willingly perform an activity that you'd rather not do? I'd have to say yes it is. I believe that an important aspect of submission is found when you MUST find your pleasure in being pleasing rather than in any specific act. Which is why, when I Top, I make sure that the sub/bottom knows when I am pleased. Then again, the definitions I use are only appropriate for scenes I am participating in.

Here's part of my take on the whole thing. We all already have to know when to take charge and when to follow someone else's lead in the world, why would it be so strange to use both of those skill sets in BDSM? I don't think that one necessarily HAS to sub in order to be a good Top or Dominant, but it can help. I've never seen anyone's skill suffer from doing so, either.


Outside Views on Switches

Rarely is switching viewed in a benevolent light. We have yet to discover exactly why this is. It seems to be right in line with how a lot of people view bisexuals. The switches in CM have seen everything from automatic distrust to outright ridicule. However, folks that are or know switches have seen the following trends:

-Some switches, like some single-role people, do believe that everyone is actually a switch at heart.
-Switches have a more well-rounded view of the BDSM scene in general.
-Switches are less likely to criticize play that they are not involved in.
-Switches are generally better informed and more skilled. This doesn't seem directly tied to switching, but does seem to be the case.

I (CM) do wonder why folks think it's okay to virtually negate someone's sexual preferences. It's one thing to not subscribe to a certain practice, another entirely to deny it's existence. It's a lack of basic manners, I think. I don't practice Gorean-styled BDSM, but it's neither my right or my privilege to determine it's worth to others. Some people can't open up their world view to include the choices that others make. However, what bothers me is the lack of basic tenants of politeness that I often see. Don't like the concept of switches? Fine. But don't impose your view on that switch over there by mouthing off. Do you see what I mean?

I found this on a sexuality web page, and although the words they're talking about describe gender preference, I think it applies: "remember these are just words that we use to identify ourselves or others. Our sexualities are more complicated than these words, and we can decide if we want to use them, make up our own words, or use no words at all." From http://positive.org.

Vargr put it very aptly one evening. "Don't believe in switches? Then who is that guy in the collar standing on your neck?"


Resources for Switches

There seem to be very, very few resources for switches on the internet, and a great deal of that can possibly be attributed to the common attitudes regarding switches that we discussed above. If you know of other resources, please let us know and we'll list them here.


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