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Welcome to
Femsubmissionsex
Information on BDSM,
D/s and M/s
Hiya, glad You stopped here.
Below You will find important information on in the
BDSM, D/s and M/s lifestyles. i hope this page will
help Y/you in Y/your journies into a very emotional
and rewarding lifestyle.
Enjoy Your reading and remember if You have any
question, please feel to visit O/our Home on
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1. Coming out of
the Closet
by
dark whisper
I recently found myself in the unique
position of having to try to "explain"
dominance and submission. One afternoon,
out of the blue, I wrote to my sister and
told her not only that I was a submissive
woman, but that I had a Master and this
website. I invited her to come look
through the site so she could have a
better understanding of who I had become
since we last saw each other.
It had been four years, and a lifetime of
experiences. I'm still not sure why I
chose that moment in time to express to
her that I was "kinky." ~a soft laugh and
shake of my head~ Perhaps I suddenly felt
alone without the support of my family,
perhaps I wanted to share my joy with her
about my new life, or perhaps it was
because of other issues that plague me
when I allow them to raise their ugly
heads. I might never know for sure.
After the mail was sent, I felt liberated
in a way I never had before. I had made a
stand for what I believe in, and it felt
great. Until the doubts set in. What if
she thought I was nuts, or worse,
sick?
It took her over a week to respond. I knew
she's been to the site as the counter
picked up her ISP information and there
was no doubt it was her. So I waited. When
the email came, I opened it with slight
trepidation.
Her first thought was that something had
"happened" when I was a child. She has
different memories of childhood than I do,
but I'm not sure if that is because of the
age difference (she is 6 years older than
I) or if it is because I was, in her eyes,
the favored one so I didn't have the same
issues. There are some questions about
what she went through, but in all honesty
and fairness, I never saw anything that
verifies any major problems.
I had a fairly normal childhood a good one
from most standpoints. There was no abuse,
no major traumas outside of the normal
things in today's society. I was an all
around typical kid. But even then, there
was this need to be loved and petted to
please, to be found pleasing. Now, of
course, I realize that was part of my
submissive nature, but it fought with the
equally strong need to be thought of as
grown up and responsible.
Be that as it may, I was not abused (I did
have an uncle whom I think would have
loved to get his hands on me, but he
didn't aside from trying to french kiss me
every chance he got).
Her second thought was to ask if it was
because of recent developments in my
health. No, that has nothing to do with my
need to give myself wholly to my Master,
but since she didn't know how long I have
known I was submissive, it wasn't a
surprising question.
So, with my heart in my throat, I found
myself telling her what D/s is NOT about -
wanting to dispel some of those media
untruths that abound.
I explained that it was not about pain,
but about reaching inside and finding
release.
It was not about manipulation, but
surrendering to the control and will of
another because that is what truly
fulfilled me.
It was not about dehumanizing, but rather
about building up and growth, learning and
teaching, sharing and giving.
It was not about returning the world to
the ways of the 1950's domineering
household, but a relationship built on
deep trust and respect for the PERSON, not
the gender.
The details of my relationship did not
come into play, as those details are
private and would only confuse someone
outside of the lifestyle. But I know she
could see the serenity and happiness that
practically oozed from each word.
I felt for a moment like I imagined it
must have felt for a gay person to come
out of the closet twenty years ago.
Afraid, yet resolute that this is who I
am, and wanting, no needing, for the only
family I have left to understand - even if
they don't embrace.
My sister came through for me. She now
knows all about my Master, and my love and
utter devotion to Him. She knows of my
serenity and ease with the lifestyle I
have embraced and now live. And I will
forever be grateful to her for giving me
the love and acceptance that only she
could give.
I learned a very valuable lesson by
leaving myself exposed and vulnerable. I
learned that sometimes we simply have to
step from the shadows and into the light
standing firm and being prepared for
whatever might come. Our lives are our
own, and we cannot live them for others,
nor can we hide them in fear of being
"found out." I'm not saying that everyone
should know of my lifestyle, but for me,
coming out has allowed me to let her see
who I really am. And that can only be a
good thing.
Thank you, Denise. I love you
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2. Dominant vs
Domineering
If you haven’t already read the
description of a Dominant,
then I suggest that Y/you do so before
going any further. Y/you’ll need to
have that fresh in Y/your mind before
Y/you can appreciate the contrast to
someone that is "domineering".
The two terms, Dominant and domineering,
are often misused and mistakenly
considered interchangeable. In the first
instance, a Dominant, is part of a
lifestyle. One in which there are certain
expectations and responsibilities. An
important part of that lifestyle, is the
recognition that it needs to be mutually
gratifying. That is to say that the
happiness and well being of a submissive
is equally as important as the
Dominant’s.
One thing that distinguishes a domineering
person from a Dominant is a lack of this
recognition. People that are domineering
are selfish, and serve their own
interests. It’s sad to think that
being overbearing, loud and demanding
might be confused with being Dominant, but
the fact is that it often is. Guess that
doesn’t say much about Us Dominants
and the image We project.
Another way that domineering people differ
from Dominants includes an inability to
"earn" things such as trust and respect.
They demand it. A Dominant understands
that trust and respect can not be
commanded, but can only be bestowed upon
One that has demonstrated a worthiness of
it.
Similarly, Dominants cherish the
submission that is offered Them by a
submissive. They know its value, and the
great strength it takes to make such a
gift. To contrast that, domineering people
"take" submission. They make every effort
to force it, steal it. The gift of
submission holds no value to them, it is
simply a matter of taking by force what
they desire.
Don’t fall into the trap of confusing
domineering with Dominant. As a Dominant,
be aware of the difference and always
avoid taking, stealing, demanding, or
forcing what should and must be given
freely. Your submissive will give as
capable, and while You do wish to help
stretch limits, and promote growth,
encouragement and compassion are more
powerful and effective methods.
As a submissive, watch for the
characteristics that might indicate that a
"Dominant" is really domineering. Remember
that A/anyone may apply a label to
T/themselves. Whether it fits or not is
another matter. As a submissive, you are
under no obligation to submit to A/anyone
not of your choosing. Don’t feel
pressured or bullied. Ask for help if you
feel intimidated. you have a marvelous and
invaluable gift. Give it to One that is
deserving. :)
Rover«§»
Copyright 2001
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3. D/s
Families
Perhaps one of the most challenging
decisions we face as a parent is what we
should tell our children, when and how
much. By choosing to live within the D/s
or BDSM lifestyle the normal sexual issues
exist with the addition of this serious
added component.
It is important that we do not impose upon
our children 'undue influence' to in some
way persuade them into a position of
agreeing with our personal choices in any
manner or form. It is equally important
that we consider and think about what it
is we would like for them to understand in
order for them to better understand us and
the possibilities of their world as a
whole.
It is improper to make or consider any
'attempt' to 'make' or direct our children
into a 'next generation' D/s family. We,
as adults, are willing to fight to protect
our personal right to free and open
choices in the decisions we take and the
pathways we follow. We should equally
protect our children's rights to follow
the pathways that they desire in their
life without any reverse judgment on our
part.
The tools that children need to move
forward into the world with a positive and
open thought process are not in any way
altered by whom their parents are and how
their parents choose to live their
intimate lives.
It is absolutely essential that we teach
'through our actions' the fundamental
basics of human DIGNITY. Regardless of
your 'position' or role within your
intimate relationship you MUST present
your belief and RESPECT in and for your
partner to your children. You must present
total support for them. Trust in them and
be willing to express in the presence of
your children your deep personal affection
through loving touches and actions to and
with your partner. Express your pleasure
and joy in being WITH your partner!
These are the crucial tools and messages
that we teach our children about how to
interact in relationships with other
people and how to love. When your child
asks you a specific 'sexual' question you
should answer that child without any sign
of embarrassment (which will convey there
is something wrong) in language
appropriate to your child's age exactly
and no more than your child asks to know.
You should provide examples of various
types of relationships to show your
children that many exist and that those
types are just choices the individual
makes AS an adult. This should be done in
a natural way by inviting friends to
dinner etc. Children begin learning about
their world, life and even sex from the
moment they emerge into the world. They
layer information on top of information as
their curiosity and interest grows in any
one area.
You SHOULD refrain from all overt
demonstrations of D/s in the presence of
your children and remember that such an
open display violates their rights. Your
child, as you, must exist in many worlds
at the same time. Maintenance of their ego
stability through actions which will not
make them the unwarranted subject of
humiliation and shame by their peers is
part of your parental duties. Keep your
toys locked up and out of plain view. Do
NOT have either parent use 'ornamental'
scene language in the presence of ANY
children "such as the addressing of a
spouse as Master, Sir, Mistress, Ma'am"
Usage of this language can serve to
embarrass the child and the parent and may
indicate a disrespect for the parent
before or in the view of their children
which MUST not occur. Parents are of EQUAL
rank and should be obeyed equally by the
children.
Children can listen to sounds and 'be
afraid' that something bad is happening.
If your house is not acoustically paneled
and you scene inside the house (in
privacy) then your children are or will
hear sounds. At some point if your child
is having difficulty relaxing in the night
when sounds most often occur, you may
decide to sit down with that child
(together) and tell that child that you
(parents) enjoy being with each other at
night and sometimes play games that make
lots of strange sounds. You should tell
them that it is just part of how you, as a
couple, express love and that other people
express love in other ways. None being
more right or wrong than any other. Do
remember to encourage privacy of your acts
by LOCKING your door. Note: If you or your
partner are 'unhappy' or 'afraid' this TOO
will communicate to your children and may
create a deep atmosphere of fear and
anxiety.
D/s is NOT about abuse or physical
retribution from one partner to another.
If YOU are being struck in ANGER or struck
with an INTENT to cause you pain and
injury then your relationship is NOT
Consensual but ABUSIVE.
A child should never see one parent strike
another. NEVER. When you have an argument
you should decide in advance how to
address such a conflict. If you take your
discussion to the dining table (when no
meals are present) and engage in a
'conversation' with your spouse about the
issue and possible solutions. Then you are
inviting your children to 'listen in' on
the problem solving process. You should
avoid ANY placement of blame but consider
issues that disturb the family to be
simply problems to be solved. It is
appropriate to apologize if it appears
your part in the problem was in error and
if you 'feel' this to be true. Retain your
composure and if necessary schedule the
solution session when you carry no
personal 'heat' or anger about the
incident or issue involved. Remember that
viable solutions come from all sources and
genuinely seek the advice and counsel of
your mate. At the conclusion when the
problem has led to a possible solution you
can consider the sharing of say a dessert
and coffee with your partner. This type of
activity reassures your children that
problems are solvable and that solving
them does not need to threaten the
relationships of anyone.
If a child finds a play toy you should not
lie to them. It is important to remember
that the action of lying will remain with
them and lead to a lessening of trust in
you. Keep it simple. Tell them that it is
just an adult toy.
By not making sexual topics 'secret' or
mysterious they lose much of their
glamour, especially for younger children.
Most children find the activities of
adults boring and often they really 'don't
want to know'.
It should be the consideration of all
parents to pay attention to the
development of their children and to
recognize that your children will hear
about sex and sexual activities from a
myriad of sources outside of you and your
home. Sexual explorations can begin at a
young age and though we may wish to keep
our children 'innocent' we should always
act to protect them from harm by proper
education of the dangers inherent in ANY
activity. It IS appropriate to have
detailed conversations with your child at
around the age of puberty about safety
during sex and the diseases and problems
which safe sex protects them from. If you
don't know the basics of safe sex yourself
ALL library systems have numerous books
designed specifically for the use of
parents with their children. Children will
view your action to educate them as an
expression of love and concern for their
safety. If YOU consider it serious - so
will they if that trust and respect in you
and your opinion is sound.
Educate your child with factual data or
other people will educate them with rumor.
Do NOT make sex or sexual issues any more
or less important than any OTHER facet of
maturity. It is a part of natural human
existence and is merely something each of
us needs to learn to manage and enjoy
safely.
Remember that safe sex changes as new
products become available and new diseases
emerge to threaten each of us. It is
appropriate for each of us to take a
refresher course from time to time to
ensure the health of ourselves and those
we love.
All Rights Reserved By Mistress
Steel
comments or email [email protected]
other articles can be found at
www.steel-door.com
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4. Establishing
Limits: Going Full Circle.
For those of you who are unsure of
what a limit is, let me explain. There are
activities we all consider as
“acceptable” and “not
acceptable”. Acceptable activities
are ones we normally enjoy experiencing
and attempt to do on a regular basis. What
we deem as unacceptable are actions we do
not enjoy; in some way we find them
offensive, repulsive, or morally wrong.
Those activities that we enjoy and accept
are within our sphere of
“limits”. What we don’t
enjoy, for whatever reason, tends to end
up outside that acceptable sphere.
What is termed as a “hard limit”
is something you will not do under any
circumstance and is outside our individual
sphere of acceptance for any reason:
spiritual, physical, or emotional. A hard
limit is non-negotiable and will not and
should not be pushed upon you. You should
not have to explain to anyone but yourself
and your Dominant why a certain activity
is a hard limit. Others have stated to me
that their hard limit is something that
never changes. In a perfect world, this
unchanging aspect may be so. But humans
are not perfect, life is not static, and
as we grow, we change within, as our
sphere of “acceptable” grows and
shrinks. Therefore, hard limits do change
at times.
A “soft limit” falls right on
the line of that acceptable sphere:
neither in it nor outside of it, but
instead is on the boundary of what is and
is not acceptable. It’s something
that intrigues us, but also something we
may still find to be a taboo subject. With
the right person, and under the right
circumstances, we may agree to those soft
limits. Thus, these limits are a
“testing ground”, where the
opportunity to advance toward more
difficult, scary, and untried activities
can be explored, but at our own pace.
The purpose of this article is to show how
limits can be set, and also how, with time
and under the guidance of the right
person, limits can also change. This
information is provided from my own
perspective, as well as from my own
experiences. Please remember, i am writing
from the perspective of a slave who lives
with, and is married to, her Master and
who lives this life 24/7. Our interaction
initiated as that of a Dom/sub, but as
time progressed, has grown into a
Master/slave relationship. my hope for you
is that, in reading this information, you
will be able to better understand some of
the reasons why limits are set. i also
hope that my perspectives and experiences
will assist you in recognizing and
developing your own limits. By no means do
i intend that everyone should do as i have
done. Nor do i wish to see those new to
the lifestyle stick with the “no
limits” they originally started with.
What i do wish however, is for people to
better understand the reasons underlying
limit setting, as well as to look within
themselves when establishing their
individual limits. The circumstances,
person you are with, as well as your stage
of learning all go hand-in-hand with
helping you set your limits. For this
article, i am assuming that the 3 basic
taboos will remain so. Thus, activities
involving children, bestiality, or
necrophilia are not even a possibility to
me, and in my own view, are not safe, sane
nor consensual (SSC). The limits i
establish in this article are ALL
encompassed under the rules of SSC.
hen i first began this lifestyle, i
thought there was nothing i wouldn’t
do. Sound familiar? Seems almost everyone
new to the lifestyle says that there is
nothing they will not do. Then they start
reading and hearing of the totality of
possibilities, and reality sets in. When i
completed my first BDSM partner checklist,
there were many more “no’s”
than “yes’s”. i wish now
that i had a recording of my thoughts at
that time. The were a lot of “oh
gross!”, “oh my god!”,
“what the heck is that?”, and
more than a few “no way, people
can’t really do that!”. Some of
these activities immediately became hard
limits to me because they were taboo and
something my upbringing had taught me was
“wrong”. Other activities became
a limit because i honestly did not know
what they were, or what they meant. i
didn’t want to agree to something
when i had no idea what it was. Needless
to say, there were a lot of things on that
checklist i said i absolutely would never,
ever do. i laugh at myself now as i
remember something i always told my
children: “Never say never.”
Being a very curious person, i eventually
learned what those items on the checklist
were that i had not understood. As time
went on, i learned more and more about
what these activities really entailed, and
more importantly, the underlying
significance of the acts. my curiosity was
piqued. Two months after that first
checklist was filled out, i completed it
once again. To my surprise, i found that i
had fewer hard limits than i did the first
time. i had become intrigued with
“edge play”: activities that
bordered on what i found as unacceptable,
but was intrigued with the concept. A part
of me really wanted to try these things,
but i had yet to break through all of the
barriers within myself first. When i
completed the checklist the second time,
there were a few less hard limits and a
lot more soft ones. At the time, i felt
these soft ones would be ok if i was
coerced or forced to perform them. Note: i
said at the time. i have since learned
that i cannot be forced or coerced into
anything. i realize now that, even though
i gave my power to my Master, that it is
still my choice which activities i will or
will not accept. i can choose not to do
something and earn his wrath (if my reason
is not good enough) or i can simply do it
and experience a new level of obedience.
There is no coercion or force involved,
but that is the topic for another article
in itself.
The next few months were a time of
introspection for me. i felt that, if i
wanted to select my limits correctly, i
really had to look at my reasons for
identifying a certain activity as a hard
or soft limit. i found that many other
activities now became “no
limits”, because i had come to know
and trust my Master so well. As i poured
over the activity list for a third time,
there were a few items that i honestly
could not remember why i had previously
chosen them as a limit. Why were golden
showers a hard limit? The answer to that
one was easy enough: i perceived that type
of activity as not socially acceptable. Ok
- not a good enough reason for exclusion,
but it was the only one i had. Without a
valid reason, that activity was now no
longer a limit. With this new mindset, i
proceeded down the checklist, and
everything that i had previously made a
limit solely because it was not socially
acceptable to me, was changed.
Next, came the activities i had originally
perceived of as “morally wrong”.
Those items i had to really dissect, and
figure out if it was within me to change
my perspective and to see them in a
different light. Most of those items
involved changing parts of me that touched
at the very core of who i was. An example
of one that i struggled with was swinging
and couple sharing. Could i do this and
still live with myself? i found the answer
to this one wasn’t so easy, but in
the end, it remained a hard limit for me.
This limit had never, and would never
change. Sharing goes against everything
that makes up my being, and changing this
would make it so i couldn’t live with
myself. Next, i struggled with a few of
those limits that i had originally thought
were beyond me - like mummification. i
suffer from claustrophobia, and was sure
that i could never do anything that
involved a form of this. Yet, i had never
thought to make basic bondage a limit that
activity involved restriction and
confinement. Through time, trust, and
love, my Master showed me that, through
His guidance, i could be totally bound and
only have occasional pangs of fear. If we
could overcome my fear together, i felt we
could achieve just about anything else. So
activities involving confined spaces, such
as mummification, were no longer a
limit.
Anyone who knows me can just picture me as
i write this next little bit. What about
limits based on overt fear or revulsion?
The hard limit of NO NEEDLES needs no
explanation to anyone who knows me. To
those of you not acquainted with me, let
me tell you that my head ends up literally
buried somewhere so i don’t have to
even see or hear about them. my stomach
does flip-flops, and i get dizzy just
thinking about them. This limit was
certainly the most difficult one for me to
contemplate. It took me a long time to
figure out what to do with it. But i
finally realized that, if i could trust
Master with all parts of myself, i should
entrust Him with this one as well. Needles
are no longer a limit, though i pray that
i will never be tested on this one. If i
am, i hope He allows me something to burry
my head in!
n a few months, Master will be giving me
my formal collar. In that ceremony will be
something i never would have dreamed i
would agree to, only a year ago. my Master
will be placing His brand on me. i look
forward to this with much excitement, but
also with more than a little fear. i focus
more on the rewards that long-term
identity His mark bestows much more than
the sort-term pain i must suffer to be
honored in such a manner.
he reason i am sharing all of this with
you is not to try to change your mind
about your limits. i simply want you to
look within yourself and determine the
reasons why you decided to make limits on
certain activities. In my search to find
myself and to be honest about what i want
and who i am, i have found that i have
come full circle with respect to my
limits. i now have precious few, just as i
did when i first came into this lifestyle.
The big difference now is that my choices
are made from a more informed, and less
prejudiced viewpoint as well as a
fundamental trust in my Master. i will
honestly say that the a few limits i
removed from the list i did so because, in
knowing my Master, i also know they are
hard limits for Him, and these didn’t
need to be a limit for me. What if He
should change His mind and want to try
them? Well, they aren’t a limit for
me, and it’s His right if He should
so choose. Those limits that would go
against who i am will never change. Would
i scene with just anyone and have so few
limits? HECK NO! And i would pray you
wouldn’t either. Filling in a BDSM
partner checklist can seem like only a
chore to you. If you view this task in
such a manner, you are really missing a
tremendous opportunity to get to know
yourself. In many ways, completion of this
form, and the deep consideration that
needs to be applied to each activity,
forces one to be honest and real with
oneself: a fundamental requirement so very
important in this lifestyle.
Lesson learned: The sky’s the limit
only when you know how to fly!
Rick's miria
I wish to thank my wonderful friend peter
for his help in editing this article and
making it readable to everyone else.
Anyone wishing to use this article on
their site or mailing list may do so as
long as my name and email address remain
on them. Giving credit where it belongs.
[email protected]
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5. How Does D/s
Differ from BDSM
Simply put, D/s is a relationship
between a Dominant and submissive that
nearly always includes BDSM activities.
BDSM activities on the other hand, do not
require a D/s relationship. In fact, in
terms of sheer numbers, BDSM activities
are most frequently practiced by
"vanillas".
Many people enjoy some aspect of BDSM,
whether it be light bondage and a
spanking, or some sort of orgasm control,
right up to heavy caning. They need not be
in a D/s relationship, or even in a
relationship at all.
So for purposes of clarity, D/s is the
relationship. BDSM is activities.
Rover«§»
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6. Introducting
Your Lover to
Bondage
There are so many very serious,
yet very silly misconceptions about
engaging in S/M or using "bondage toys".
The biggest for most people is the fear of
the unknown. And if your partner has never
used any kind of sex toy or been engaged
in any kind of bondage play, he/she might
feel threatened or inadequate. Inadequacy
is the biggest fear, although most people
won't admit to it. But if you use
compassion and understanding when
introducing the idea of S/M play, it just
might be accepted.
- Here's
a few things you should not do, when
tossing the idea at your
partner:
Don’t restrain anyone without their
permission. This kind of surprise is more
shocking and upsetting than anything else.
You have to understand, you have a
knowledge and/or experience that your
partner may not have. This can make a
lover feel very inexperienced, inadequate
or confused. The S/M credo is safe, sane
and consensual. So your partner must
consent to being tied up prior to sexual
play. This is especially true if you're in
a new relationship, if your partner
doesn't consent, it could be considered
assault and you don't want that. Always
ask first!
- Don't
be accusatory when you discuss
incorporating bondage toys into your
lovemaking:
Saying things like, "You don't do this."
and "You don't do that." and "I don't like
it when you do this." or "You just don't
satisfy me anymore." can be extremely
hurtful and make your partner feel like a
schmuck. If it's approached in a way that
makes your partner feel like he/she has
been doing something wrong or not enough,
then your partner will be very defensive
from the start. And that's it, once a wall
has been built up your partner is not
going to hear you out. And sometimes the
relationship is strained because of
it.
- Don't
bring up the subject at a bad
time:
By this, I mean don't bring it up right
before, during or right after sex. Don't
bring it up if you have to leave in an
hour to meet some friends or a business
client. Bringing up the subject at these
times can be very problematic. The
discussion will be rushed & it will
not be worked through because you or your
partner will have to leave. Sex is the
most difficult topic for lovers to discuss
with each other. They can talk openly
about it to their friends or even
strangers, but when it comes to each
other, there's just too many emotions that
get in the way. If sex is not an easy
topic to discuss make sure you both have
time to sit down and express your
feelings, concerns or even, hopefully,
excitement.
- Here
are a couple of things you should do,
when tossing the idea at your
partner:
Do discuss this at a time when you're both
relaxed and feeling open. Don't discuss it
when you both walk in the door after a
stressful day at work. Share your stories
and stresses about work or the person that
upset you at the store or on the road.
Make a nice dinner, clean up and just when
you're both ready to sit down and relax
for the night, set a comfortable
atmosphere in a comfortable room besides
your bedroom. You want to create a
comfortable ambiance that your partner
will feel safe and able to express his/her
feelings in. Create an open forum where no
one will be judged.
- Start
the conversation with an idea to spruce
up your already satisfying sex
life:
Mention that you've heard or read about
some interesting techniques that sound
exciting. Print out this bondage toy
section and show your lover.
- Play
an adult movie that features S/M play
with bondage toys:
"High Heels" and "Unleashed" by Andrew
Blake, present bondage in an erotic manor,
not hardcore. Ernest Greene also has a DVD
out "Fetish: FAQ: #1" that is a
how-to-do-bondage DVD for couples. This is
more hardcore. If you both watch adult
movies together, this may be a lot easier
than for those that don't engage together.
As you're watching the movie comment on
the items you see and the scenarios taking
place. Tell your partner how you feel
about it. Discuss it afterwards and tell
your partner you'd like to try it with
him/her, you think it would be really
erotic and exciting.
- Non
pornographic movies are available to
help:
For those couples that do not engage in
viewing adult films together, the Sinclair
Intimacy Institute, the world leader in
the creation of relationship-oriented sex
education videos for adults, has put
together a video, " Erotic Guide To Sexual
Fantasies for Lovers" that covers how to
discuss and try sexual scenarios that they
may never consider trying in real life.
Watching a video like this will create an
open forum for you and your lover to
explore and discuss this topic. These
videos are put together by the Sinclair
Advisory Council of well-known sex
educators, therapists and researchers. It
has been proven that 9 out of 10 couples
that watch these videos experience an
improvement in communication about their
sex lives, resulting in an improved sex
life.
- Always
be willing to hear your partner
out:
There are a variety of reactions that can
happen when you bring this up. Unless it's
excitement right away, you will have some
talking to do. Now, I'm not saying to let
your partner freak out on you, insult you
or be nasty to you because he/she is upset
about it. But you must not expect your
partner to jump right in. Listen to
him/her, answer questions, calm concerns
and fears, assure your partner that this
not a solution to a problem, it's just an
idea of something different to try. If you
are really happy with your sex life, let
your partner know it, and keep telling
him/her that. But be willing to
listen.
- If
your partner seems interested you can
take it to the next
level:
Look through sex toy catalogs or "online
shop" or go to your local "adult video
store" and look at the selection, although
adult video stores aren't as private.
Discuss what you see, laugh at them if you
want. Remember sex is fun and it can be
silly, especially some of these toys.
Relax and communicate. If you want, let
your partner choose the toy, so that
he/she is involved with the toy. He/she is
willing to try this, so let him/her pick
the toy out.
- If
you already own a bondage sex
toy:
Make sure when you initially discuss this
with your partner, he/she knows that you
have experience with bondage play already.
If you have the whole conversation like
it's just an idea that you've never done
before and want to try it with your
partner and then go whipping out your own
toys, how do you think your partner will
respond? I'd think that 9 out of 10
partners will be upset, very upset because
they'll feel like they've been deceived or
tricked into it. And now you'll have the
feelings of, "You know something I don't."
or "You have experience that I don't." to
deal with. A bump in the road you don't
want to deal with, so be honest and up
front from the start.
- If
your partner is cool with the fact that
you have already have some bondage
toys:
By all means, go and get it/them. This is
why you make time for this. Let your
partner handle them and become familiar
with them. Let your partner know how much
you want to play with him/her on this
level. If restraining is what you want to
do to your partner, explain to him/her
that you want to restrain him/her so that
he/she can focus on the pleasure you're
giving him/her. Your partner is really
lucky if you want to tie him/her up and
pleasure him/her. If it makes your partner
feel better, tell your partner that he/she
can tie you up too. If you're the one that
wants to be restrained, spanked or
whatever, be careful of feelings of
anxiety. Even though the submissive is the
one controlling a lot of the action, your
partner may feel anxious about running the
show. So communication is definitely in
order. And it also depends how far into
this you want to jump in. But be
compassionate and understanding. Ask your
partner if he/she wants to try the toys
out. The best way to try out these toys is
in a fully clothed, nonsexual environment.
The important thing is to make sure you
have some kind of practice run and explain
all the options that are out there and how
far you don't have to go to make it
interesting. There's a great book,
"When
Someone You Love is
Kinky"
by Dossie Easton and Catherine Lizst". In
clear, heartfelt language your partner can
learn the realities and myths of sexual
variance, while the accompanying accurate
information helps you both get up to speed
so you can understand each other. Here,
you'll both find out that the reality of
kink is quite different than the myths,
and discover that kink can be safe, sane
and welcoming.
- If
it's the first time exploring bondage
and using bondage toys for both you and
your partner:
If you order some toys from a catalog or
"my online store", I suggest the "Romantic
Restraint Kit " or the "Prisoner of Love
Kit " to explore bondage play, when they
finally arrive, make a night out of it.
Have a romantic candle light dinner. Set
up a romantic atmosphere in the room you
want to play in. Both of you open the box
together. Both of you handle the toys.
Start to play with each other, getting one
another aroused. Make sure you have all
your other toys and supplies handy, once
play starts you don't want to have to
search for them. When your both ready,
you'll know when to start bondage play.
Take your time with it and enjoy the
feeling it will give your partner or the
feelings your partner will be giving you.
But don't end your lovemaking with it. End
your lovemaking with each other at least
the first few times. This assures both of
you that you are both all the other needs
and these toys are just additions, not
necessities.
Hopefully from this moment on you and your
partner will realize how important it is
to keep open communication with each other
about sex. Discuss what you've shared, but
not right after. Save discussions for the
next day. But talk through any awkwardness
that you both experienced. If you or your
partner started going a little too far and
that made one of you feel uncomfortable,
express that and talk it out. If you both
were able to get this far, then you'll be
okay. Remember to respect each other. This
article has been written to guide you
along in introducing or incorporating an
bondage toys/bondage play into your
lovemaking. This article will not
guarantee success. Success depends on how
strong your relationship is, how easily
you and your partner can talk about these
things and how much you're both willing to
compromise for the happiness of the other.
If you're relationship is not a happy one,
I suggest you seek counseling. No sex toy
can improve a relationship, it can only
enhance sex.
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7. Master
& Slave - One
Master's Perspective
What should a Master be? The question
can only be answered individually by both
Masters and slaves alike. Here is my
rendition of what a Master should be.
The Master is a strong man, a dominant
man. He is sure of himself, confident in
his place in society. He cherishes
females, revels in their presence. He is
giving, caring, loving and
understanding.
When the Master takes on a new slave, he
worships her, discovers her, slowly
possesses her. He gently pushes her,
always ready to show her that she is
strong, that her limits are not what she
believes them to be, that she can be taken
farther. In this, the Master reveals to
the slave her own confidence, her own
levels of self esteem.
As the Master learns his new slave, an
understanding takes place. He senses her
desires, her needs, her passions. With
this new knowledge, the Master takes care
of the slave, always giving what the slave
needs but not necessarily what she
presumes she needs.
It is the Master's responsibility to care
for, protect and love his slave. If she is
sick, he will feed her. If she is
exhausted, he will allow her to rest,
stroking her hair as she does so. If she
is scared, he will comfort her. If she
needs affection, he will hold her. These
things he does willingly, because her
knows her. He understands her as no one
else does. He has seen into her soul and
held it in his hands. Her mind is his to
read, to know. Her body is his to feel.
Her heart is his to caress. She becomes
his possession.
The Master does not take away the slave's
identity, but allows her to grow into her
own being, her own likeness. Her
submission to him is not a vehicle of
punishment or hatred, but one of love and
development. She is given the room to come
into her own, under her Master's care,
like a flower that flourished under the
sun's warmth. She radiates from his love
and devotion. She becomes a rose: a
beautiful being that knows she is loved
and cared for.
This is the profile of a Master: strong,
able, confident, loving, caring,
encouraging, and gentle. "What about
punishment and discipline?" you may be
asking. Punishment is handed out lovingly
yet firmly. The Master is not angry, there
is no place for anger with punishment. The
Master is teaching. Punishment and
discipline need not be physical, it can be
psychological. It is not done out of
harshness or hostility, it is done out of
love and forgiveness.
I believe a Master does not mold a slave
into what he feels she should be, but
allows her the freedom to live and grow
under his loving care. She becomes the
woman she has always been, deep within her
spirit. He takes her gift of submission
seriously, knowing that it is not given
freely or lightly. He always remembers how
precious the gift is, how rare it is, how
beautiful it is. For she has given him
something that cannot be taken for
granted; she has given him the gift of her
soul.
The slave is a woman, firm in her
femininity. She offers herself to a Master
freely, of her own choosing. She gives the
gift of her submission in exchange for his
protection, care and love. She is obedient
because she chooses to be, net because she
is forced to be. Her first priority is
pleasing her Master. She will do whatever
he ask in order to meet his desires.
She comes to him a woman, but unsure of
her place. With his guidance, she quickly
learns what is expected of her. With this
learning, she begins to give more of
herself, of her soul, until she has given
her all to her Master. There is no power
given up, no control taken away. She gives
what she wants to give and her Master
holds the gift in his heart, always
sharing, always giving back what she
needs. An immense measure of trust is
built between the two: the slave must
trust her Master completely in order to
give him so much of herself and the Master
must trust the slave in order for him to
accept it.
"Training" of the slave is just the
process of learning what the Master
desires. The slave must learn when to
kneel, how to sit to please her Master,
how to address her Master, and so on, as
much as the Master deems necessary. She
does these things because she wants to:
she aims to please her Master in all ways
possible. Even the most "bratty"
submissive comes to know just what is
expected of her and what her Master's
limits are. She may in play push him so
far, but to exceed that limit, would be to
displease her Master, something all slaves
attempt to avoid.
The slave seemingly has no
responsibilities, but a deeper observation
shows otherwise. It could be said, and has
been said by many, that the Master holds
all the responsibilities. However, many of
the slave's responsibilities are subtle
enough to be overlooked. Of course, as
mentioned above, an extremely important
one is to please her Master. Perhaps more
important, however, is the amount of faith
the slave must have in her Master. She
must believe and trust that what he does
if for the good of all concerned and learn
to NEVER question his motives. If he
orders her to do something, she will do so
happily, and without embarrassment,
because that is what her Master wants. She
will not harbor any sentiments or guilt
from this action. She trusts that her
Master knows what is best for them
both.
As I said before, this is MY definition of
the Master-slave relationship and it is
only with that knowledge that I embark on
the topic of "safewords". I feel that
there are no need for safewords if the
slave truly trust the Master and the
Master truly knows the slave. The Master
may understand that the slave can go
farther that she thought and, without the
use of safewords, he is able to take her
there. If, however, a safeword is used and
the Master does not heed the slave's
perceived limit, than an important trust
is broken. Of course, in a new
relationship. it must be taken slowly, so
that the trust and understanding are able
to grow. With perseverance, however, the
two can reach a point where the Master
knows how far the slave can physically,
emotionally, and spiritually go and the
slave can trust her Master's
decisions.
Being a slave is a wonderful role to live
with the right Master. With him, she will
grow emotionally and spiritually into her
soul. She will become what she is deep
within, and learn to love freely and
unconditionally. The Master also becomes
the man he feels within his soul and the
two embark on a journey that will take
them out of the realms and limits of
society and into the timeless dimensions
of the universe.
~Author Unknown~
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8.
Misconceptions About Bondage
Simple
Pleasures With Amanda Knight
Wanting to be tied up is not
normal:
That is not only untrue, but awful to say.
Bondage is a form of S/M and the S/M credo
is Safe, Sane and Consensual. People that
like to be all tied up are looking to
reach a physical and emotional state of
bliss that they can't get from "vanilla
sex" alone. Adult sexual play is supposed
to fun. It doesn't matter how you both
enjoy yourselves, as long as you both,
both being the important word, have fun
and consent to being involved in the
activities contained within.
Bondage play is for people that like
pain and that like to hurt other
people:
Also very untrue. There are so many
different levels of bondage play, that
does not contain any pain what so ever,
but contains restraining your partner and
pleasuring them into a state of ecstasy.
There's nothing painful about that! As far
as these people liking to hurt others. The
people doing the restraining or the
dominant, isn't necessarily going to cause
pain and torture. The one who's really in
control during bondage play, is the
submissive. The dominant and submissive
discuss what's going to happen during
play. The submissive sets the boundaries
and limits to what's going to happen. The
dominant just creates the scene and makes
the fantasy reality. Of course the
dominant has to agree to everything too,
but the dominant doesn't do anything to
the submissive that he/she doesn't want to
be done. Remember the credo, Safe, Sane
and Consensual. If it's not safe, if it's
not sane and if it's not consensual, then
it's not S/M. It could be criminal and
that's not what we're promoting here.
Using whips is very painful:
It doesn't have to be. There are many
whips available, like the "Fantasy Teaser
whip , that doesn't hurt at all, no matter
how hard you whip or get whipped. Some
even sound painful when they come into
contact with the skin, but still aren't
painful. Even if you use a "regular whip"
it doesn't have to hurt. There are many
levels of striking a person and many
places on the body that hurt more than
others,. So don't fear pain, it doesn't
have to be painful. Most of it is just
mental stimulation anyway. Using can be a
lot of fun. You just have to know some
simple rules.
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9. Mistakes New
People Make
The number one mistake I see those new
to D/s making is thinking there is a right
and a wrong way to go about playing. While
there are some safety rules that should be
followed, the only people who make the
rules are the ones involved in the scene
or relationship. If anyone else tells you
that you are doing this wrong, tell them
to mind their own business. Another common
mistake is rushing into things. I know
that after years and years of suppressing
this desire it is very hard to take it
slow when you finally find out you aren't
the only one that gets turned on by
bondage. But, rushing to dominate or
submit to another without taking the time
to get to know some skills, and each
other, is a recipe for pain...that is the
bad kind, not the good. When you first get
started, take the time to read the
literature, join a local organization, and
get to know the person you will be playing
with. A mistake I often see new subs make
is submitting to anyone and everyone who
calls themselves a dominant. Just because
someone sticks "Master" or "Dom" in their
screen name, doesn't mean you have to call
them "sir" or submit to their demands. For
the most part, a reputable, experienced
dominant knows this and will not demand
unearned respect. New dominants are
sometimes guilty of this. If someone
hasn't earned your respect, why would you
act like they have? Another mistake
inexperienced subs often making is in
setting limits. Some make too many limits,
and this will sometimes frustrate or scare
off the dominant. Much more common is a
new sub setting too few limits. They feel
they will not be desirable or "sub" enough
if they have limits. Take some time to
think about what truly squicks you...what
you do *not* under any circumstances want
to experience at present, and make this
act a limit. If a potential Dom won't
agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of
course, your limits will change as you
become more experienced. What you won't
submit to this year, you may crave the
next. Something else I have seen is the
"Dom is always right" syndrome. The joke
is there are two rules in D/s. The first
is "The Dom is always right". The second
is "If the Dom is wrong, refer to rule
number 1". That's what it is, too...just a
joke. Doms are human and are sometimes
wrong. It isn't a sin against the D/s God
to respectfully suggest to your Dom that
he may be wrong...especially if it
involves a safety issue. Just because you
are a sub doesn't mean you check your
brain at the door. If you are the Dominant
and make a mistake, don't be afraid to
admit it and apologize. It won't make you
any less "Dommly". Finally, many newbies
think that the Dom's pleasure is the only
thing that matters. Sure, as a sub it is
your job to please your Dom. But it should
please you as a sub, also. We play these
games to make everyone happy. While there
may be times you do something to please
your Dom that you don't enjoy, if you find
yourself doing this consistently you are
probably with the wrong partner.
Author Unknown
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10. Negotiating
a 24/7 BDSM Relationship
Author:
Raven Shadowborne © March 1, 1999
For everyone, what constitutes a 24/7
relationships differ, like everything else
in BDSM. The definition of a 24/7
relationship is simply a relationship
where the people involved live with one
another on a daily basis. A BDSM 24/7 is
easiest if explained as a vanilla live-in
relationship, with the added knowledge of
who is in charge and the priority of
placing that person first and feeling
content with the relationship arranged
that way. In other words, a power exchange
from one partner (at least) to another. Be
that exchange a dominant/submissive one or
that of a master/slave arrangement, or
even just during sexual encounters. In my
opinion, if a power exchange exists in the
relationship (inside or out of the
bedroom) it qualifies under the term BDSM.
24/7 is something that so many people look
at as this big deal. A dream, of perfect
harmony at all times, with play taking
place frequently if not daily. Reality
gets lost in the translation. Now, there
is nothing wrong with sitting down and
dreaming of the future. Allowing yourself
to think of the wonderful experiences you
and your partner(s) will share. Or
thinking of the happiness and physical
satisfaction the relationship will bring
to your partner(s) and you. Doing this
becomes a problem only when it over rides
reality and the day to day things get
lost. When discussing taking a
relationship into a 24/7 status, you
hardly hear of people talking about money,
moods, kids, and the million and one other
mundane things which affect daily living.
They don't want to burst their own bubbles
of the idyllic home life. They focus on
kink compatibility and the limits or terms
of the power exchange. Then, they move in
with one another, thinking they've covered
all the "important" subjects, only to find
themselves surrounded with reality and
beset with problems. Often what happens
is, they blame the problems created by
this oversight on the BDSM instead of the
lack of reality base in the negotiation of
the relationship. The sub will feel
guilty, thinking they did not live up to
the expectations of their dominant. Or
they may resent the dominant for not
upholding his/her end of the bargain. The
same feelings can occur for the dominant.
Further, the dominant may set more rules
(or back off on others) thinking that will
fix the problem. Either may feel that they
were not truly cut out for the lifestyle,
and choose to leave BDSM all together.
This is all not true since the sad fact of
the matter is, they just did not take into
account reality. Not everyone is this way,
but enough are that I feel this is an
important issue to present to people.
Let’s face it; everyone likes to
think their lives will be perfect
together. I too, love to think that, but
life is not like that. No one is perfect,
and no relationship is perfect. To expect
perfection, is the quickest way to get you
hurt. Keep in mind that it is the little
things which will do in a relationship.
Little things may not seem important, but
they are. Over time, little things add up
and become major problems if not taken
care of. Relationships themselves are hard
work. A BDSM relationship is even harder.
Especially at the beginning. It takes
effort to keep communication open and
honest. It takes effort to do a scene,
more effort than vanilla sex especially if
the people involved prefer an intense or
complicated level of play. (Tying knots
takes time, setting out and applying cuffs
takes time...etc.) Often people forget to
discuss their daily schedules and stress
levels from work. Sure, "leave work at
work" sounds great, but it doesn't always
happen that way. A sub who stays at home
all day, may forget the stressors that are
affecting their dominant are from both the
household and his/her work environment.
Bear in mind that your loved one, does
have habits which you may see as cute or
endearing now, but 6 months or a year from
now may very well drive you crazy. Be
prepared to accept the flaws in your
partner that are not easily changed or
these flaws can become relationship
breaking fights. Be honest with each
other. Do you snore? Do you have to have
your clothing folded in a specific way?
Are you’re canned good alphabetized?
Etc. Think of these things and discuss
them. Be prepared to compromise on some
things. It is up to you to decide what you
will compromise on, and what you can not
stand compromising on. Discuss time
constraints, outside stressors, what you
know about your moods and how they are
affected as well as who handles the bills,
splitting responsibility of the children,
handling disagreements, and all the same
things you would discuss were you planning
a pure vanilla marriage. Putting together
a 24/7 BDSM relationship takes more effort
because not only do you have to discuss
the BDSM aspects (power exchange, kink
compatibility, limits hard or soft ones,
rules etc.) but you also have to discuss
the mundane things as well. Leave one or
the other out, and your relationship is
headed for trouble. In BDSM, we are fond
of telling one another to try to cover
"all the bases before playing", keep that
in mind when taking a relationship to a
live-in 24/7 arrangement, and you will
increase your chances of success.
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11. Some Facts
About S & M
S/M is not an aberration. S/M is a
sexual orientation that is found in a
significant percentage of the population.
Surveys have listed S/M behavior by as
much as 7 to 14 % of the population, with
interests at up to 50% of the population.
To see the prevalence, just look at the
public's interest in movies, books, and
other artistic expressions with S/M as the
dominant theme. After all, Hollywood would
not invest money if there was not a large
interest.
Historically, S/M behavior was listed as a
psychological problem, as was masturbation
and homosexuality. Today, however, these
various orientations are not considered a
problem unless the person with the love
map is unhappy about their interests.
S/M is not new. S/M activities have been
performed by many religions and cultures.
Early Christian mystics used it (flails
and hair shirts, oh my.) Native Americans
continue to use it for vision quests.
Fakirs from India use it. That same energy
can be used for spiritual journeys, sexual
ecstasy, or personal bliss.
S/M is not fetishism. Fetishism
substitutes an object for relationship.
S/M can very much involve relationship. In
fact, because of the requirements for
trust and good communication, to even
participate in S/M with another calls for
the development of good relationship
skills.
S/M is erotic psychodrama. The exchange of
power in S/M is a framework for risk
taking and for trusting. The shared
reality created by S/M gives the
participants the permission to explore
their erotic fantasies. S/M has often been
referred to as high-tech sex. The
experience is incomparable.
S/M does not feel like what it looks like.
In the model of the popular press, the
dominant or sadist does as he/she wishes,
without regard to the needs of the
submissive or masochist. In practice, it
is the submissive or masochist that has
the final say. APEX teaches the needs for
good communications up front, the use of
"safe" words that will stop the action if
the submissive ever feels the event is not
working, and a time of communications
after the event so that both parties can
learn and so that the next time will be
even better.
S/M is not especially dangerous. Some S/M
activities are more athletic than others.
For more strenuous activities the
individuals should be in good physical
shape, just as for any other sport. For
most S/M activities the players must know
what they are doing. The shared education
and experience of other players can be
invaluable.
S/M is not sexist. Sexism tries to impose
dominant-submissive roles according to
gender. In S/M roles are chosen according
to our inner feelings. S/M is honest,
shared eroticism which includes men and
women who prefer either or both roles.
Sometimes S/M is done in a brief scene
with a stranger. Sometimes it is a full
time relationship. Usually S/M is done in
negotiated episodes (or scenes) between
people who know and like one another.
S/M is not repressed anger or covert
hatred. Actually it is impossible to do
good S/M with someone you do not like.
S/M takes a lot of energy, preparation,
time, and attention. Most practitioners do
a lot more of "vanilla" (i.e. non S/M) sex
than they do S/M.
S/M is as much an attitude as it is
action. When traveling, the dominant may
wish to drive the car in order to be in
control and express their power; or the
submissive may wish to drive the car as an
expression of taking care of their
dominant. Who's in charge is far from
obvious. It is a dance involving both
parties.
S/M people come from all walks of life.
Some come from abusive backgrounds and
practicing S/M can be part of their
healing. Some come from healthy families
and are looking for self fulfillment. Some
identify as "liters', having S/M fantasies
from their earliest memories. Still others
are new to the concept and felt a
connection when they tried it. S/M people
come from all genders and orientations. As
a result, S/M groups have been on the
forefront of establishing common ground
between heterosexuals, gays, and
lesbians.
S/M people are everywhere. There are
national organizations, such as the
National Leather Association. There are
local chapters of the NLA in many states.
There are many independent local
organizations supporting people in the S/M
life-style. These local organizations have
different charters and purposes.
APEX is one such local organization whose
charter includes individuals of all
genders, gender orientations, and all
associated fetishes. Every year some of
these organizations put on local and
national conferences and conventions. Some
of these conventions may have only a
hundred or so attendees. Others have
thousands. Like any convention, there are
meetings discussing a variety of topics,
as well as a vendors' exhibit area with
the S/M life-style equipment and
literature of the available for purchase.
To attend one of these conventions is to
truly know that we are not alone.
Author Unknown
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12. The Gifts of
Dominance & Submission
an
article by: katrina
Note by stormy_embers: i had found this
article on another site called
Castle
of Dark and
Dreams
with no more information other then the
fact that this article went around the
internet about two years ago. i have kept
the article the way i found it. If katrina
should happen to stumble upon her most
excellent article here, i would like to
thank her for her words. i agree with what
she has to say on this subject.
In the years that i have been involved in
the D/s community, the phrase "submission
is a gift" has been an often heard
statement. It is true, submission is a
gift. Our most prized tenet of respectable
behavior in the community is that of
consent. It is the first advice any
respectable lifestyler would give to a
novice in the scene and it should be the
last word in any discussion of bdsm as we
know it. Without consent, the scene ceases
to be D/s and becomes abuse.
Submission is a gift. The submissive
kneels before her Master and presents
herself to Him, mind, body and soul. Until
that event occurs, there is no D/s. In
many cases, however, that statement is
abused, causing submissives to saunter
around like the queens of Sheba doling out
their special brand of candy to the poor
needy Doms, who all too often are begging
at their feet like hungry puppies. Such
scenes have always reminded me painfully
of the feminist movement; and makes me
embarrassed for both the participants and
the D/s community which must endure them.
What sickens me most about the scene i
described above though is the blatant lack
of acknowledgment of this one simple fact:
Domination is a gift.. True domination,
the power, the mystique, the control is
what every submissive yearns for to the
core of her very soul. Her nature cries
out for the one man who can see beyond her
childish games and bring her to her knees.
While there are many, many men wandering
the scene, especially on the IRC, who
dream of such power, there are very few
with the courage to stand up and be
counted as Masters.
Being a Master does not come because a guy
waking up one morning, looking at a few
bondage magazines and getting the urge to
"collar Himself a slave! Rather, it comes
from a combination of the following: a
sincere need to be Master; real experience
in the ways of bdsm, honesty and a high
regard for the submissive and her role in
His life, and the courage to go the
distance regardless of the difficulties
and obstacles faced. Having the heart of a
Master is something that, i believe, a Man
is born with. Like that of a submissive,
one does not just decide to be Dominant,
let alone to be Master. Most often
Dominants speak of having fantasies since
early childhood which have grown and
developed over the years. In the
conglomeration of activities that make up
the bdsm community as we know it, there
are many different styles of play ranging
from the simple act of spanking one's
girlfriend, to a more formal scene acted
out by a Top and bottom, to a Dominant
that dabbles here and there with a variety
of submissives. But at the top of this
ladder, is the role of the Master, one who
has dedicated Himself to the Domination of
His property and all of the
responsibilities that such an act entails.
To have the desire to strive for such a
position is something that a true Master
will know in His heart and have the
courage to admit.
Regardless of the popular IRC opinion of
"if your nick is capped you're a Master,
becoming a Master requires experience. It
requires the Dominant to pick up a flogger
and learn to use it, it requires a basic
knowledge of D/s protocol. In addition it
requires an understanding of the
submissive and her needs. She comes to Him
because only He can fulfill her greatest
desires that have been in her heart since
her own childhood. But submissives come
with complexities, each one is a unique
puzzle that has to be solved. To be a
Master, a Dominant must know more than how
to tie a perfect knot, rather He must be
able to untie the knots of protection the
submissive has bound around her heart. He
must know more than how to give a superb
beating, rather He must be able to know
when to give the beating and more
importantly how to get the submissive to
stop beating herself up.
Such knowledge of submissives only comes
from a high regard and a great respect for
these mystical creatures, who are so
extremely powerful and yet desire nothing
more than to be overpowered. A true Master
can look into the eyes of His property and
see His own heart beating. Only He has the
ability to make her feel her true
priceless worth while kneeling at His feet
in utter obedience. He can be trusted to
hold her secrets in strictest confidence,
holding in His hand the truths that have
weighed heavily on her heart, so that she
may walk lighter during the day.
But the most important thing that makes a
Man a Master is the courage it takes to
stand up and be counted as a Master. This
does not mean He tells anyone who asks,
Sure I am a Master. It means that when the
going gets tough, He shows up for the job.
When the submissive is at her lowest, He
raises her up. When the submissive needs
the punishment that hurts the Master more
than the property, He is willing to put on
a cold face and strike her without mercy
so that the property may have the peace
and forgiveness she so greatly needs. It
means that day after day, He is Master not
only when it suits Him, not only when it's
convenient, not only when it's easy.
Being a Master demands respect and should
a Master choose to take a submissive as
His property, His actions should be
honored for what they are, a true and
priceless gift. Any Master that truly
respects His role as Master knows that
taking property means taking on a great
deal of responsibility and any submissive
worthy of being property should know and
respect the gift that she has been honored
with.
This is dedicated to my Master, my only
Master, whom i respect more than anyone
else on this great Earth, not for who He
says He is, but because of what He does
Every day; He shows up.
His most devoted slave,
katrina
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13. The Stages
of Erotic Power Exchange
This document tries to describe
the different stages a person, generally
speaking, goes through when developing
feelings and emotions related to erotic
power exchange (usually referred to as
BDSM or S&M) . This stages-theory is
based on some of the scientific research,
done on the subject of either BDSM or
sadomasochism, interviews with BDSM people
and discussion by members of the
Internet-based Maledom-discussion group.
First of all, a lot of - quite often very
personal - information has been given by
this group. Thank you for your openness
and for sharing your thoughts and
feelings.
Stage 1: The initial (discovery) stage
where one finds out about one's own
feelings:
Feelings and emotions, related to erotic
power exchange are often discovered in a
very early (sometimes pre-puberal) stage,
although they may either emerge or develop
at a later stage as well. Often people
discover these feelings within themselves
after having gone through a rough period
in their life, like a divorce. This is
probably caused by the fact that such
events cause people to evaluate their own
person as well as their environment. Since
the context is erotic power exchange,
these feelings almost always have sexual
connotations and may coincide with the
general development of the person's
sexuality.
It is essential in this stage is that
these feelings are usually neither
explicitly dominant nor submissive, but
rather general power exchange related.
Dominant and submissive feelings may - and
probably will - exist next to each other
within the same person and will eventually
- except for those who will nurture both
aspects of their character (switches) -
find their direction.
Strictly speaking, no person is 100%
dominant or 100% submissive. What evolves
is a tendency to grow to towards one end
of the scale, either dominant or
submissive. The size, these dominant or
submissive feelings may eventually take
differs from person to person. It is
unclear what exactly causes the
differences in the development, although
aspects like education, freedom of
thought, creativity, home-background and
religion are influantial. Unfortunatelyan
history of abuse is also a factor
sometimes.
This stage is quite often marked by
uncertainty.
Stage 2: The fear-stage:
The uncertainty plus social factors will
usually lead to fear about one's feelings
and emotions and may lead to shorter or
longer periods of seclusion. Again
upbringing, religion and education are the
influencing factors here, combined with
the social taboo, the general lack of
information on the subject, unnecessary
limitative legislation, social prejudice,
stereotyping and a substantial shortfall
in the general sexual education.
Both dominants and submissives in this
stage will have the idea they are the only
one with feelings like this and in almost
all cases they will not (yet) talk about
them. Some will actively seek information,
others will just hide and at the same
time, secretly nurture their feelings. To
the person involved, the feelings are not
identified as "wrong", but as positive and
special and most of all "their own".
However, there is a direct conflict with
general social and legal aspects and
politically correct behaviour.
A woman in modern society is not supposed
to be submissive or weak and those who
nurture fantasies of rape, kidnapping,
etcetera will often be seen by other women
as a danger to their gender. In fact, it
is questionable if people would see them
that way, but the person herself thinks
she is seen like that - in most cases. A
man, on the other hand, is not to beat up
his spouse or friend and will often be
afraid of being marked as a monster or a
sadist.
Stage 3: The "first steps stage" where
one will start to experiment (with
oneself), read, and search for
information:
Even as they keep their fantasies and
dreams to themselves, people will start to
experiment, quite often on themselves,
often actively incorporating both the
dominant and submissive roles in
themselves. People will start to look for
more information. Most often this
"information" is strongly related to their
fantasies (i.e. searching for books and
stories about these, as well as
pictures).
This usually is the stage where a person
finds out there are others like him or
her. If they cannot contact them directly,
the general line of thought is "there must
be more, otherwise they wouldn't write
these books, magazines, stories and make
these pictures, drawings and videos.
Finding out about others sharing the same
feelings is a relief to most people in
this stage, but sometimes frightening at
the same time. For this reason it usually
takes a while before anyone will actually
start to look for others to talk to or a
partner.
Stage 4: Where one tries to find
others:
Actually, Stage 3 usually triggers Stage
4, where one starts an active search for
others that share the same feelings or are
willing to. If this happens within an
existing relationship the major problem to
the person involved is that there is a
large risk to be taken here, since this
may (and very often does) break up the
relationship. It is known for a fact that
because of the risks involved some people
tend to stop their development here and go
back to nurturing their feelings in
secret.
In this stage people may have a problem
prioritizing erotic power exchange as a
part of their entire life.
Three different priority problems may
occur:
The person involved will either
overprioritize these feelings, putting it
in front of all other aspects of a
relationship and overidealizing it at the
same time;
People will have problems for a long time
with the balance between their everyday
life, trying to be one person at one time
and another person at another time.
Submissive women are especially known to
have problems with their different roles
as either mother, career person and
submissive;
Another problem, specifically for
submissive women, is prioritizing ideals.
On the one hand they want to be
self-confident and strong. On the other
hand there are submissive emotions, that
seem to conflict directly with that. This
is sometimes called "the back-stabber
theory".
These priority problems, especially
overprioritizing, will sometimes lead to
disappointments and disillusionment, for
example not being able to find a partner
or overdoing it towards an existing
partner or spouse. Submissive women in
this stage are sometimes very vulnerable
to an abusive relationship, due to
overemphasizing their power exchange
tendencies.
Stage 5: The reconciliation stage,
where one comes to grips with one's
fantasies and starts to understand
them:
At this stage a lot of information has
been gathered, things have been tried out
and in some way a partner, or others to
share with, has been found. The person
involved will now start to understand what
is happening inside his or her mind.
A major factor here is that only now (and
the process described in the different
stages up to now may have taken years) the
person will be recognized by the
BDSM-community, if he or she decides to
enter this community. They will
immediately be identified as "novice",
when, in fact, the person way is quite
experienced with power exchange emotions
and merely lacks "public" experience.
The disillusionments from Stage 4 will now
be a part of the learning curve. We use
plural here, because the majority of BDSM
people go through more then one
relationship (sometimes very short ones)
and other BDSM experiences before finding
the right partner and environment.
Stage 6: The partner-search stage
(within an existing relationship or
finding a new one - most people tend to do
mix this up with the third stage)
There may very well be a partner available
at this moment, however, it is time for
the partners to grow towards the same
level of information and understanding and
both partners now have to identify their
"common ground". For singles it is now
time to lick their wounds from previous
stages and restart the search for a
partner, only better equipped this
time.
Stage 7: The revolving stage, where one
grows, learns, experiments, grows again,
etc:
This is the endless stage where the
relationship will really start to flourish
by experimenting and learning together and
the start of stage 6 marks the start of a
true relationship with embedded erotic
power exchange.
Some general remarks:
Both dominant and submissive people will
go through these stages, although
individual experiences may be different
from the general picture, described here.
People may either skip stages, they may be
combined or mixed up.
The stages usually have no marked begining
or end. A person will usually flow from
one stage to another. Also, there is no
specific age, where people develop erotic
power exchange feelings. This may start as
early as five years old, but also as late
as 55 or 60. Adolescents will usually go
through a period of sexual experiments.
Erotic power exchange may be a part of
that, but this is in no way an indication
the person involved may develop further
BDSM feelings in the course of his or her
life.
There is no specific timeframe for the
stages. The entire process may sometimes
take many years and some people - due to
personal circumstances and abilities -
will go through certain stages quicker
than others. The amount of access to
information, and the ability of a person
to find such information, is vital to the
speed of the development. Early
disallusionments and abuse may bring extra
conflicts and will call for more time in
certain stages.
Not all people go through all the stages.
Some cease to pursue their BDSM -
feelings/interests, and turn away from
further development. Sometimes this the
end of BDSM for them, and sometimes it may
mark only an interruption, with them
picking up the pursuit of their BDSM
feelings/interests from months or years or
decades later. Fear, or (temporarily) not
being able to overcome the social taboo
and general coming-out problems are very
often at the bottom of this.
Author Unknown
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14. Trust the
Foundation
Trust, for some, is such a little thing.
But in the world of D/s trust is the
foundation everything else is built upon.
There are many definitions to the word
trust, but the one listed in the Merriam
Webster Dictionary says it well. (Trust n
1 : assured reliance on the character,
strength, or truth of someone or
something) In order for a submissive to be
able to give themselves to a Dominant
there has to be unconditional trust in all
aspects. Basic trust is something we tend
to give easily to most people. But the
trust that goes deeper, the kind that
means you would trust your life to someone
is not a trust that can be built in just
days or weeks. It can often take years to
build. Honesty is the foundation of
trust.
Before you can be honest with others you
should learn how to be honest with
yourself. How many times have you done
things you did not like, enjoy or even
want to do but lied even to yourself and
said you wanted to just to please someone
else? Are you being honest with yourself
when you do this? Are you being honest
with your partner? Your first step should
be to discover yourself. The first person
you have to learn to be honest with is
you! When you learn to do this then you
will find that honesty with others comes
easier. Honesty with yourself does not
come easy when you are first entering this
lifestyle. There will be many things that
tempt you, intrigue you and even scare
you. You won’t know in the beginning
what you really want but that will come
with time and learning more about
yourself. Also take stock in yourself
honestly. What are your good points and
your bad points? Learn to enhance your
good points but never hide the bad from
someone. Some of us have bad points that
we really can’t change but most can
be altered in some way or another.
You have found that special someone
online. You’re chatting for hours on
end. You are so sure this one is THE one
you have been waiting your whole life for.
I have seen more than one submissive build
their whole life around someone they have
only talked to online and on the phone.
But regrettably most have never worked out
further than the first or second meeting.
Why? Because, one member of the party had
not been totally honest with the other
one. Maybe one sent a 10 year old picture
and had since lost all their hair. Or one
has said yes I love doing all those things
you enjoy. There are so many white lies
that people tell one another that I
can’t even begin to quote them all.
No, looks shouldn’t matter but they
can when the picture you hold of someone
you love is not who they really are. I had
a wonderful friend online who was single
and childless. We talked for months with
Master and I helping her through some
difficult times: A car accident that ended
with her having to have a hysterectomy, an
ex boyfriend who was stalking her and so
much more. The end result? She was a bored
housewife with 2 girls.
When talking online little lies can be so
easy to type out, after all they
can’t see your face to determine if
you are telling the truth or not.
It’s easy to type in 120 when the
reality is 170 or that you are unmarried
or any of numerous lies I have heard. So
what if you are a waitress or a cashier or
a Vice president. All are honorable
professions. The hardest part is telling
the truth. When you tell the truth no
matter how ugly or hard it is to tell, you
will find, your circle of friends to be a
unique one. Friends who truly know the
real you and care about you. You
won’t have to worry if you will be
found out and lose what you are building.
If you don’t like something about
yourself change it in real life NOT in
words only.
It’s easy enough to agree to things
you don’t want to do to please
someone. I am guilty myself of doing them
in the past and then hating myself for
doing it. That self loathing was also
slowly placed on the person I did whatever
it was with. Not fair to them I agree but
the human mind and heart are not always
fair. I still have the habit of saying
‘whatever makes you happy’ but I
have learned to only say that if all
options will work for me as well. When I
do have a preference I speak it clearly.
Being honest about what you want and need
is only the first step to building the
foundation of trust you will need. But it
is this first step that places the
foundation for everything else that will
come.
Integrity is also another very important
part of establishing trust. The person you
are with has to know that your values are
true and not something created to match
theirs. Just as you will need to know that
you can count on them to adhere to their
code of values. When you are being tied up
is not the time to start worrying if they
do or don’t have the integrity needed
to keep you safe. You need to know that
they won’t breach any negotiated
limits and will listen to your safe words.
The same will go for them if you are the
one doing the binding. Both Dominants and
submissives need to trust in the other to
speak honestly if things are going to
fast, to slow, or to intense. Not doing so
can mean life and death. Be it yours or
someone else’s. Are you willing to
risk another’s or even your own life
just to try and impress someone? No
justification is good enough for
endangering someone else. In a scene
integrity is what can mean the difference
on whether you are safe or not.
In most relationships the Dom provides a
formal structure that the sub must adhere
to. If the relationship is long distance
the Dom only has the subs word in some
cases that they are adhering to boundaries
and doing tasks set by the Dom. The Dom
has to be able to trust in the subs word
that they are doing as they are supposed
to. Sometimes it can be way to tempting to
say yes I did or didn’t do something
when in reality you are telling a lie to
make your life a little easier. The sub
also has to trust that the Dom will
fulfill their responsibilities to the sub.
If the Dom does not fulfill their
responsibilities to the sub slowly the
start to rebel and often times won’t
realize what they are doing until to late.
The decisions and choices you make will be
your own. Though others may offer opinions
or ideas in the end it is you who decides.
You are the one responsible for your own
actions. Always accept responsibility for
your own actions by admitting to them. But
remember it’s easier to make choices
that do not require apologies and
forgiveness. You may offer or be offered
an apology and even accept. But in the
back of your mind you will always
remember. This can be one of many ways the
foundation of trust can start to
crumble.
I have seen to many people try and justify
dishonesty by saying it’s just better
the other person not know or that they
didn’t need to know. Keeping secrets
and white lies are still dishonest and can
fast destroy trust. Secrets are very hard
to keep hidden. Someday, somehow they will
come back at you and you will be found
out. The only person you are protecting by
lying or hiding things is yourself. What
to you may be a small incident, to the
other party just the fact that it was
hidden makes it even bigger. It makes them
ask questions. If it was so small, why did
they hide it? We tend to hide things that
embarrass us, skirt things that are
uncomfortable and generally make terrible
choices. Many times lying seems to be the
easiest way in the beginning. But in the
end honesty always turns out to be
best.
Being reliable is also another thing that
is an absolute must. If you say you are
going to do something then do it.
Don’t make excuses or lie about doing
it. Your Dom/sub counts on you to be
reliable as well.
In order to be respected you must be
respectable. If you are continuously
dishonest you demonstrate a lack of
respect to those around you. Respect is
something that is earned by your actions.
Respect can just as easily be lost by your
own actions. Act respectable, be
respectable and you will earn the respect
you need in this lifestyle.
Honesty, integrity, respectability,
reliability and responsibility all lead to
absolute trust. Remember that the first
gift in submission is trust. But trust
must be created from honesty and respect.
The loss of either of these can do
irreversible damage to a relationship. D/s
requires absolute trust in all aspects.
When doubt starts to creep in it slowly
erodes the foundation of trust. Even if
one corrects their ways trust is very slow
to be rebuilt the second time if at all.
The gift of total trust is not to be taken
lightly. Please treat it with the care it
deserves. After all once a foundation
starts to crumble the whole structure will
soon fall.
Rick's miria
I wish to thank my wonderful friend peter
for his help in editing this article and
making it readable to everyone else.
Anyone wishing to use this article on
their site or mailing list may do so as
long as my name and email address remain
on them. Giving credit where it belongs.
[email protected]
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15. What means
BDSM & What is BDSM
Too often we forget what the lifestyle is
all about. It is many things to many
people. What works for one may not for
another but both ways are right because
they work for that person or persons. That
all important fact is too often forgotten
or ignored. Remember there are no right or
wrong ways to practice this lifestyle. It
is what works for the people involve at
the time. The only wrong ways is thinking
your way is the only way &
intolerance. BDSM is about Trust, Honesty,
& Respect.
Communications is the most important of
all for without it you can not establish
the others or survive in this
lifestyle.
The above reflect the opinions of Sir
Mike, The
Castle Of Dark Desires &
Dreams.
The below was written by others.
Definition:
- B&D:
Bondage & Dominance or Bondage
& Discipline.
- S&M:
Sadism & Masochism.
- D&S:
Dominance & Submission.
- Bondage:
Restraining someone by use of ropes,
hand cuffs or various other
articles.
- Discipline:
A power exchange where one person
*punishes* another.
- Dominance
& Submission: D&S is an erotic
power game, where one person gets off
on the thrill of controlling, the other
on the thrill of being
controlled.
- Sadism:
A form of giving intense stimulation(s)
(physical or mental) or pain to
another.
- Masochism:
Receiving intense stimulation(s)
(physical or mental) or pain.
Some
Statements about BDSM
- BDSM
has nothing to do with violence against
a helpless person. To tie up someone
and beat him up is not SM but naked
brutality.
- A SM
relationship is always based on mutual
consent and care for the partner,
everything else is
abuse/rape.
- Communication
between the partners is the base of
such a relationship, if you are not
able to establish a proper
communication with your partner about
your wishes and expectation keep your
fingers off these sexual
practices.
- Respect
and responsibility for your partner is
not only important but absolutely
necessary.
- The
Power Exchange between two partners can
be something wonderful erotic (yes,
Power and Erotic have something in
common).
- BDSM
includes many aspects: Power exchange
and Role-playing, love, sexuality,
curiosity - the term is a synonym for
many aspects of human desires (and when
you ask 10 people in the scene what
BDSM means to them you will probably
get 15 answers. Sir Mike)
- Laughter
belongs in BDSM too - Fun and joy
should be an existential part of our
lives. If a "scene/game" does not work,
well a laugh can save the situation:
"Take it with humor".
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Midi
"Invitation" Sequenced by MJN
Unfortunally i
have no idea if they have a web site
© 2001, 2002,
2003 Lady J's Artistic Creations
Please do not
remove anything from this site.
*****Notice*****
We have by no means intentionally used copywritten
images. If you own the copyright to any original
image used for the creation of these web pages,
please e-mail the graphics
designer
with proof of copyright, and we will be more than
happy and be honored to give you credit, add your
link on the page where the image is being
displayed, or we will remove the image if you
prefer As Soon As Possible.
If there are any problems with links or images
showing on this web site, please e-mail the
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